learning

What have I learned about myself through this whole dating thing? 

1. I do not enjoy any of this. Yes, I have found amusement looking through the field out there but I don't enjoy what happens next - not the texting, not the back and forth, not the moment when you exchange phone numbers, not trying to figure out how much to share, not deciding whether or not to meet, not the meetings, definitely not the let down when I realize it isn't going to work out. I never wanted to do online dating in the first place and always swore I wouldn't but then I thought maybe I was missing out. Turns out I wasn't missing out on anything except a lot of pain.

2. I seem to be drawn to younger men. Even though I set up my filter to only show me guys that are 45+, apparently I'm being shown to much younger men because that's who usually "likes" my profile and those are the ones that I usually want to like back. I can't tell you how disappointing it is to see someone that looks really interesting and then find out I'm old enough to be their mama. 

3. Men my age look like they already have one foot in the grave. It's really discouraging.

4. I have discovered that I am disturbingly attracted to bad boys. I did not see that one coming at all. The ones that I like that are age appropriate usually look like they could ride with a motorcycle gang. And I don't know why I like them, I'm pretty sure I'm not their type and they intimidate me and yet, that's who I really want to like. I think it might be that they look like they would make me feel protected and that soothes my vulnerable soul. It's not that I want someone to take care of me - I am way too self sufficient for that and can rarely even accept an offer of help - but I think I want someone to WANT to take care of me so that I could feel like maybe, every once in a while, I could lay down the burden and lean on someone that truly cares about me. I am so tired of doing this all by myself all the time. There's a Harley Davidson store not too far from my house, maybe I should just hang out there, find some grandpa with a grizzled beard and covered with tattoos, swing myself up on the back of his Hog and ride off into the sunset.

5. I also love anybody that describes themselves as nerdy or geeky because it speaks to the nerdy girl inside of me...unfortunately the nerdy ones are usually too young. Bugger.

6. While I am not the least bit materialistic and I don't care what someone does for a living or what they drive or how big their house is, I kind of want somebody with a boat. The idea of spending weekends on the water really appeals to me.

7. I have no game, none at all. It's really kind of sad. I am just not good at the flirty banter that seems to go along with this. I'm not the hot girl, I never was. At best I can be a little cute from time to time but keeping up sexy talk makes my head hurt and I get tongue tied and it doesn't end well; I end up looking stupid and feeling inadequate

8. I do, however, get a kick out of reading other people's attempts at "sexy" talk. My favorite new line is "I may not go down in history but I will go down on you." insert eye roll here.

9. I crave a real soul to soul connection and I guess that's just not something that usually happens with online dating. I want one of those evenings where the other person and I just talk and talk and talk with no awkward silences, just bouncing around from subject to subject, from serious to silly, where it's hard to tear ourselves away because there's so much more to say. I know what that feels like and everything else just seems like a waste of time.

10. I think I kind of hoped I would have a fairy tale ending with all of this. I know most people don't but I hoped I'd be the exception and I'm not and that sucks.

And so it's time to start thinking seriously about what my next act is going to look like. I've got some ideas. I know I can't live in my house by myself; I just can't afford it. And maybe I don't even want to live by myself in such a big space. I would have loved to share this amazing house with someone that I love but that's not happening. I'm seriously considering getting rid of all my stuff and taking off in a camper van when I sell the house. I don't know where I want to settle down, maybe I don't want to settle down at all. Maybe this is the time for me to grab Charlie and just travel around. I think it would be lonely but staying in one place is lonely too. Maybe it's just my John Steinbeck "Travels with Charley" fantasy but I could see myself traveling from state to state, staying as long as it's fun, talking to people in each town, documenting their stories and then taking off for the next place. It's something Taz and I always talked about doing when we retired - I would write and he would take photographs. Maybe I can do it to honor his memory.

I know I've talked a lot about myself and my dating experiences lately and maybe it seems like I've forgotten Taz but I assure you he's never been far from my thoughts and is always in my heart through all of this. One of the reasons all of this has been so hard is that I never wanted to have to do it in the first place but I know that he wouldn't want me to be alone. And I imagine that although he would probably be a little concerned about the whole "bad boy" thing, he would also be the first to understand it because he was my original bad boy. LOL

He probably wouldn't approve of my plan to travel around the country by myself, in fact I know he would hate it, but sometimes we just have to do things whether people approve or not.

I don't know, I'm so confused and I am so tired.