So, it's been a bad day and a bad night last night. I cried myself to sleep,
which is really not even true because crying swells up my sinuses and I
can't breathe and nobody can sleep through that. Anyway, I wasn't even
crying over grief, I was crying because I was disappointed in people in
general. I found out that a person I know had asked people to help her out financially. In one day she raised over 3 times what a Go Fund Me account for me (set up by friends, not me) had raised in 6 months and what sent me over the edge was that friends that we have in common had contributed to her and not to me. I know I don't have any right to be upset but I am.
I try to be a good person, I've worked hard at my jobs, I have full responsibility for an almost 97 year old who has been abandoned by everyone else, I've never walked away from my obligations or cheated anybody, I've never cheated on anybody or with anybody. I am not bigoted or racist. I've tried to help others when I've seen a need. I've contributed to causes or fundraisers even when I had my own financial problems and really didn't have the money to spare.I'm not usually judgemental although I do realize I'm being super dooper judgey right now. So it's disappointing when some people, who have made different life choices than me, put out a call for help and it's fulfilled in one day to an overwhelming proportion but other people are mostly ignored and left to drown. I certainly rejoice that some people get helped, I just don't understand why everybody doesn't get helped.
And I'm sure I'm just discouraged and tired from a very long week. As I've mentioned, I have rented out a room in my house to a stranger I met through a Facebook group and I really hate having to share my living space with strangers. It's as if the last 3 decades of my life were an illusion and I'm right back in the roommate traumas of my early 20s except that rather than feeling uncomfortable in somebody else's house, I'm now uncomfortable in my own.
I hate how my life has changed and the worst part, the very worst part is that this won't even solve my problems. It just slows down the hemorrhaging ever so slightly.
Don't worry if all this makes you think less of me, no one could think less of me than I do right now. I've broken the #1 rule of widow club - don't let anyone see you feeling sorry for yourself because it makes them uncomfortable. But if all you ever see is the me that goes on trips and goes to movies by herself and tries new things and smiles and laughs then you aren't getting the full picture. Maybe in the future, if you see someone in a similar situation putting on a brave face you'll look past that and offer help before they even ask for it. If I can leave any sort of legacy, I hope it will be that.
I try to be a good person, I've worked hard at my jobs, I have full responsibility for an almost 97 year old who has been abandoned by everyone else, I've never walked away from my obligations or cheated anybody, I've never cheated on anybody or with anybody. I am not bigoted or racist. I've tried to help others when I've seen a need. I've contributed to causes or fundraisers even when I had my own financial problems and really didn't have the money to spare.I'm not usually judgemental although I do realize I'm being super dooper judgey right now. So it's disappointing when some people, who have made different life choices than me, put out a call for help and it's fulfilled in one day to an overwhelming proportion but other people are mostly ignored and left to drown. I certainly rejoice that some people get helped, I just don't understand why everybody doesn't get helped.
And I'm sure I'm just discouraged and tired from a very long week. As I've mentioned, I have rented out a room in my house to a stranger I met through a Facebook group and I really hate having to share my living space with strangers. It's as if the last 3 decades of my life were an illusion and I'm right back in the roommate traumas of my early 20s except that rather than feeling uncomfortable in somebody else's house, I'm now uncomfortable in my own.
I hate how my life has changed and the worst part, the very worst part is that this won't even solve my problems. It just slows down the hemorrhaging ever so slightly.
Don't worry if all this makes you think less of me, no one could think less of me than I do right now. I've broken the #1 rule of widow club - don't let anyone see you feeling sorry for yourself because it makes them uncomfortable. But if all you ever see is the me that goes on trips and goes to movies by herself and tries new things and smiles and laughs then you aren't getting the full picture. Maybe in the future, if you see someone in a similar situation putting on a brave face you'll look past that and offer help before they even ask for it. If I can leave any sort of legacy, I hope it will be that.
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