sadness

This is going to be a quick one, just because I want to document this whole journey, the good and the bad.

You know all that inner peace that I felt like I got from my weekend away? Well, it's not there for me today.Today I feel lost and alone and so very angry about all the things I've lost.

I think it started this morning when I was talking to my lodger and she said she was getting off work today at 7pm. That means she'll be home this evening and I feel so awkward and uncomfortable about having her there in the evening, during the time I like to sit around and watch TV. So far, she's either been working each evening or sleeping but now we're going to have hours where we're sharing the same space and I resent it.

It would be different if we knew each other before moving in together. I love hanging out with people that I know but I've never felt comfortable hanging with people I don't know. I revert back to an awkward teenager and just want to hide myself.

It doesn't help that she is so so young. We have absolutely nothing in common and she keeps calling me ma'am which makes me feel about 90 years old.

So I've spent the day trying to figure out something I could do tonight - go out to dinner, go to a movie, go shopping - just to get out of the house this evening. But each of those options not only costs money that I don't want to spend but they are also kind of lonely to do by yourself. I mean what a joke, the lonely widow going out by herself on a Friday night, sitting by herself in a darkened theater or a crowded restaurant, surrounded by happy families who have everything she has lost.

Or I could greet her nicely and then go spend the evening in my room binge watching something but damn it, this is MY house, why should I act like I used to 3 decades ago when I kept to my room when I had roommates?

And all of this makes me remember what my life was like just 6 months ago and I miss it. I miss Taz. I miss our life together. And now I'm crying the way I wouldn't allow myself to do last weekend.

I don't understand why this happened and right now I'm so sad and so angry.