ups and downs

I sometimes feel like I'm trapped on a roller coaster with no control over how I'll feel each day. Most days I face life with a fair amount of strength and even some optimism. I guess I'm determined to get through this without losing too much of myself in the process. I like to laugh and have fun and I try to keep doing that.

Just 2 days ago I was determined not to let this beat me so I went to Animal Kingdom after work just to do something fun. I love roller coasters so I got in the "single rider" line to ride Expedition Everest. I'd never done the single rider line, never needed to. It basically means that you are a seat filler when some other group has an uneven number so you're horning in on another family's fun. I guess that's a negative way to look at it. What it means for me is that I didn't have to wait in line for over an hour. I was on the ride in less than 10 minutes, laughing and screaming as the Yeti tries to attack us.

After the ride I had my favorite Animal Kingdom dinner, french fries covered with pulled pork, cheese and bbq sauce. I also allowed myself a little cupcake treat. It was way too much food for me and I didn't finish but it was fun to try!


I had reservations for a safari at 7:15 which I went on even though it had started to rain buckets. I'd never been on a rainy safari before and wondered if I'd see any animals. Boy did I! All of the animals were out, probably enjoying the cool rain. The best part was that all the giraffe (giraffes?) were gathered under some trees so I saw more of them than I've ever seen before. I love giraffes (giraffe?) the most of all animals. My second favorite are elephants and I saw a few of those as well. The only animals that weren't out were the lions. Cats don't like water.

Jonni doesn't like water all that much either and there was a lot of it that night. After the soggy safari I decided to go home but realized I hadn't paid attention to where I had parked the car. There are thousands of cars in the parking lot and I didn't fancy the idea of walking around endlessly in the rain looking for my car. Luckily so many people had left early because of the rain that my little car was practically by itself and easy to find. Whew!

I felt really good that night, felt more like myself than I had in a while. Maybe even started to think that I was getting better, stronger.

And then there are days like today. I had been looking forward to today's Meetup event for a few weeks. I had signed up to join 24 other strangers for lunch at a new British pub and I had met a couple of them before so they weren't complete strangers.

I got there early because my boarder had the day off work and I wanted to get out of the house. I took some pictures around the outside of the restaurant before I went in and asked about a large party that had reserved the Captain's Table. I was taken to a large party but they were way too young and they looked at me as if I had 2 heads and both of them were ugly. I instantly felt stupid and shy, I don't know why, old habits I guess. I couldn't see anybody that I recognized so I went outside to wait in the car since I was a little early. Then I looked at the pictures I'd taken and was surprised to see how low cut my top looked. I think it's just the angle of the camera but it made me feel self conscious to see so much of my boobs hanging out there and that didn't do good things for my self confidence. But I forced myself to go back into the restaurant 15 minutes later and look for my group. No luck, there was no one there. I even waited outside in the heat until past the time when we were supposed to meet. Then I just got mad at myself for trying too hard to meet new people and socialize so I went back to the car to go home. I felt stupid and alone.

But I was also really hungry. I had not eaten anything all morning so that I could enjoy this lunch so I found myself pulling up in front of Pizza Hut for a solitary lunch. I ordered a large pizza like we always used to which is way more than I can eat so I got to bring most of it home and figure that I'll indulge myself all weekend, stuffing my face with pizza before I go back to being a good little girl on Monday.

I found out later the group had met but instead of being inside, like they had said they would be, they all gathered outside on the patio which was way around the corner from the front door so I never saw them. 

Today I don't feel strong. Today I don't feel like I'm getting on with my life. Today I feel like yet another piece of my soul has died.

I can only hope that tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after, I will feel stronger and I'll begin again to find my way.