My life with Taz is over.
Now that's weird, right? Because technically speaking, my life with Taz ended 6 1/2 months ago.
But it was just this idea that no matter how hard I fight to hold on to "our" life, keep things as normal as possible, keep doing the things that we would have done together, it's a losing battle.
There is no "our life" anymore. There is just "my life" and I have to figure out how to live it.
Our house, that I love so much, is now my house. It has to evolve, I can't keep it like a time capsule. There is no point in living as if Taz is going to step back into the house at any time. He's not. And it hurts so much to type those words but that is the reality I have to come to terms with no matter how much I might hate it.
Taz doesn't live here any more. Right now I live here with a renter. Later I will live here alone again. At some point in the future there might be other people living here and it will be their house as much as mine. Things change. Life changes. Some changes are even exciting.
I've always been a loner. Taz was a loner too and we understood that about each other so we meshed our lives together well. But, interestingly enough, I don't think I'm a loner anymore. I want to live a life filled with the energy of other people. Not just any people but people that I love.
Love - that's a super charged word, isn't it? I hesitate to even bring it up because maybe it's too soon to be thinking this way but I hope that one day there will be someone to love me again.
I had a pretty darn good marriage. Of course it wasn't perfect because Taz wasn't perfect and apparently I'm not either...although I would dispute that. LOL So because I had a good marriage, I really miss it and long for that kind of connection again. Not that I would have to get married again, not sure how I feel about that, but some sort of commitment would be lovely.
Not that I'm going to go out looking for anything like that anytime soon, I can't even imagine, and I really don't want to go looking at all. I'd really like it to just happen. Realistically, it may never even happen. There are SO MANY single women out there my age and even younger. It's probably stupid of me to think that anybody out there is going to want me and love me. But I guess I'll always be hoping.
And I know I'm rambling and maybe I've shocked people by having these sorts of thoughts so soon but it's just the crap that runs through my mind. I know life has to change, it already is changing and so my mind runs on ahead.
But for now, I need to evolve and my house needs to evolve and my thoughts need to spend more time in the future and less in the past. I will always honor and cherish the past, it was so amazing, but I can't live there anymore.
I think it's perfectly normal and healthy to hope to find love again, there's nothing wrong with that and I hope you find it too! I'm glad you were able to find a renter, not your dream situation I know but I imagine helpful financially for now. I hope we can work out meeting up again one of these days! We'd have to kennel Scooby but he enjoys going, gives him a break from me LOL.
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