a year ago

A year ago I was starting to live my best life...and I knew it. I wasn't one of those people who took it for granted, I KNEW I was living the dream and I was so damn grateful.

Taz was 6 months into his dream job. He'd finally found his way back to technology, he was working for people that appreciated his talents and he was making a difference. The only thing he didn't love about his job was that it didn't come with good benefits like life and health insurance but he was working on getting his partners to include that in the budget for the next year by convincing them it was their responsibility to look out for the employees and their families. The irony does not escape me.

I had started my wonderful dream job and loved all of it - the job, my coworkers and my new found free time. After a lot of years of painful struggle I finally had time to enjoy all that we'd worked for.

We were just a week away from an anniversary getaway to the Lakeside Inn complete with dinner on the terrace and a fireworks cruise. I'd even ordered a special cake to celebrate. It ended up being one of our best anniversaries. We were happier than we'd been in a long time.

We were planning our dream vacation for September, the first one we'd been able to take in almost 10 years. For a couple that loved to travel, it had been very hard to give up that part of our life and we were so excited about getting to go someplace again. And it lived up to the hype, it was the best vacation ever.

My sister, although very ill, was still with us and I enjoyed talking to her and seeing her presence on Facebook every day.

A year ago we had finished paying off some obligations and we felt so good about that.

A year ago it felt like we'd been given a second chance to make our dreams come true.

How quickly things change.

Today I got a call from the big bosses at my organization and they offered me the full-time position I'd been seeking. I won't go full-time right away but I'll work my way there. My role and responsibilities will expand quite a bit as well as, I imagine, my stress, but it's a wonderful opportunity.

And I'm happy and relieved and, once again, very grateful, because I know things could have gone differently and I'd be out looking for something new and unknown.

But I'm also grieving my old life because taking this step effectively ends the life that Taz and I were building together; everything will be different from here on out and my new life will be unrecognizable. 

This job in no way pays enough for me to live in my house alone and keep things as they were. I don't have the skills nor experience to command that kind of money and I'm too old to start my career path over again. But, with some creative solutions that are in the works, it will allow me to share my home with others and live in my beloved house for at least the next year or two. After that I have no idea what will happen, maybe I'll have to become the unwelcome relative and go live with family somewhere but I'm not going to think about that until I have to.

For the next year or two my life will be very different from what it has been or even what it is now. There are aspects of it that I'm really looking forward to, most of it I'm looking forward to but right now I grieve all that I've lost. If I could magically go back to last year, I would, so fast.

Even with the help of others living with me, money is going to be tight and that means travel is probably out of the question which makes me think a lot about the guy on the train. He was pretty clear that reaching out to him offered the possibility of foreign travel, cruises, restaurant meals, beach days and lots of sailing. And all of that appeals to me because it's the life that Taz and I used to have and were working our way back to. But that's the wrong motivation, I know that. I sometimes wish I wasn't such a good girl, oh how I would love to feel taken care of and even pampered, but I guess I need to be sensible.

So, I will step out into this new life and see what the future holds. I know there are good things ahead and I'll have to stop looking backwards but, for tonight, I'm grieving and I cry. 

I wish it were a year ago.