paying the price

I sincerely wish I could get on here and talk about all the awesome things that are happening in my life, about how I'm thriving and getting stronger and see nothing but great things in my future. But the reality is that I mostly get through each day by continuing to breath in and out and I have more fears than hopes for the future.

For example - my job. I've mentioned before that I got my part-time job with Taz's blessing and encouragement because he wanted me to enjoy a little bit of life. That was such a special gift and I love the job and I had hoped to stay there till I hit retirement age but part-time doesn't work in my life anymore. So a couple of months ago I approached the CEO of the company (who is up in Virginia and was just down for a visit to our office) about my need to expand my hours and go full-time. She responded positively and I had hope.

But then I waited and waited and waited to hear something and nothing came. So a little over a month ago I approached the boss at my office as well as my direct supervisor and was again given all sorts of encouragement but nothing ever came of it.

So last week I told my supervisor in Virginia that she might as well hold off on training me for advanced duties because I didn't know if I'd be there for very long since I hadn't heard anything. That got a response from the CFO and she wanted to talk to me on the phone. But the things she wrote in that email set off alarms for me and sure enough, our phone call was disappointing.

Turns out nobody had been dealing with any of this. While the CFO kept saying the company was committed to me, it's clear they not only can't justify expanding my position into something full-time, they really haven't given it any thought. She asked me to give her a couple more weeks to talk to people about this, which is what I thought had already been happening for the last 2 1/2 months! They've just left me hanging this whole time because they didn't want to deal with it and it isn't their lives hanging in the balance.

I feel like I've been consistent with each of the 4 people I've spoken to and yet they keep asking me to tell them what I want, as if they have no clue even though I spelled it out in an email as well as verbally. And now I realize that doesn't mean I haven't been clear, they just don't want to hear what I'm saying because they don't want to do it.

And it's been a huge surprise to me that the words full-time are so ambiguous. Each one of them has expressed such surprise that when I say full-time, I actually mean 40 hours even though every other full-time employee in the company works 40 hours and the whole system is set up for 40 hours.

And I know that if it doesn't work out, they'll say too bad, we'll miss Jonni and go on with their lives just the same but their decision will affect my life for better or for worse.

And the worst part is that I actually got my hopes up that things would work out, that I'd be able to stay in a job I really enjoy and not have to start all over again, something I hate. And that's on me, getting my hopes up. I shouldn't have and now I'm paying the price.

Speaking of price, my car has 2 repair issues that I'll be paying the price for and that makes me a little sick to my stomach. I spent the morning chasing around trying to get them fixed to no avail. One repair costs too much (and yet I'm going to have to do it, I just have to get my head around it) and the other problem seems to be difficult to diagnose making me worry it'll be more serious than I originally thought it was.

And I'm trying not to worry, I'm trying to stay positive and hopeful. I really don't want to be one of those people who walks around all woe is me all the time. That's why I turn here, because putting the words to paper helps get them out of my head giving me space for more positive things.