Paris

It's time to think about a goal for next year because I can't spend any more time in limbo or I'll go quite crazy.

So here's my goal - I want to go to Paris.

There are all sorts of sub-goals that I need to commit to in order to make this happen the first of which being that I need to learn to speak French. At least enough to get around because I won't have Taz to rely on anymore.

The next goal (and undoubtedly the most important one) is that I have to somehow save enough money to be able to afford Paris. And whether this means saving from my salary or finding a way to make more money, I haven't figured out yet. I'm not even sure that my salary will allow for any savings.

Third goal - have a wardrobe worthy of Paris. This is my favorite goal because I love clothes and fashion. My favorite part of vacation planning is figuring out what I'm going to wear each day and coming up with accessories for each look. I'm weird that way.

Fourth goal - obsessively read every book about Paris that I can get my hands on. I already do this so it won't be a problem.

Fifth goal - make myself believe that traveling to Paris by myself is something I can actually do. This one will be harder than all of them. I've been to France twice in my life and even wandered around Paris on my own once while Taz was working in another part of the country. I loved traveling in France with him because I always felt so secure with his command of the language. Plus, it was just fun to have him show me around the places where he grew up. Being there without him, and on my own, will be weird and scary and I know there will be times I'll wonder why I'm doing this to myself. But it's a place I love and I want to know it better and I NEED something to look forward to. I need that so very much.

musings

I got home from work around 4:30 this afternoon which is earlier than usual. I guess the traffic gods were smiling on me.

Anyway, it gave me extra time to think and I started wondering what life would be like right now if Taz hadn't gotten sick.

On a Monday, such as this, he would have been working from home so he would have been there when I got home. Of course, I would have been home earlier because I would still be working part-time. He would have been on the phone, he almost always was when he worked from home, so I would have taken Charlie out and then either run to the store or gone outside to enjoy the sunshine and swim.

At some point he would have knocked off work and gone out to the grill to cook something for dinner. Maybe we would have eaten outside. Because of a passing storm, it's cooler outside than usual on a July night.

Would we have taken a vacation this summer? Yes, we probably would have been getting ready to go back to California in September. We loved the cottage we rented last year and had already made plans to go back. I'm going to miss that cottage, I'll probably never stay there again. We named it Pine Cone Cottage and had planned on staying there every year.

How many times would we have gone to Disney in the past 8 months? Or Winter Garden? Or Mount Dora? Or Lakeland? Or St. Augustine? What new Florida towns would we have discovered this year?

How many times would we have fought about money? How many times would we have made up? Kissed? Hugged? 

Loved?

Why am I torturing myself with all this? Who knows. It's not like I have anything else to do.

truth

On a day to day basis, I am doing pretty good. I have more good moments than bad ones, I'm enjoying my job even though I'm working more hours than I ever wanted to, and I'm keeping pretty busy with social events and little sightseeing trips on my own.

But when I take a step back and think about the big picture, what I've lost and the unknown future, everything changes. I don't think I'm suffering from depression, it's more like shell-shock which is actually an old-fashioned term for PTSD. I just feel like I'm keeping my head above water but I'm not sure why. What do I have to look forward to? It's not the future that I ever wanted, it doesn't look like any of my dreams. What's the point of just existing for the next 30+ years?

When I'm not busy distracting myself I realize how very alone I am. It is a literal truth that if I weren't here anymore, no one's life would be negatively impacted...except maybe Charlie. Sure, there might be people who might miss me but only for a fleeting moment but nothing about me not being here anymore would change their lives in any way. 

That's a sobering thought. There's nobody out there that really misses Taz (except for me) but definitely his not being here has impacted my life in a devastatingly negative way.

And just in case anybody is actually out there reading this, I'm not going to harm myself. Hopefully this realization will give me the incentive to reinvent myself and my life so that this current situation will change and eventually there will be someone out there that would miss me or maybe I will build a new life that would be something *I* would miss. I'm a survivor, I promise. But shit, I am beyond pissed that this is how my life has turned out.

social

I've been going out to Meetup events a lot lately and doing pretty well at it. 

First there was Gatorland. It was my first time there although I've driven past the entrance hundreds of times. It's been around since 1949 so it's one of the oldest attractions in Central Florida and it lived up to the hype. I loved it so much I'm thinking about getting an annual pass so that I can go anytime I want. It's even open on holidays which is great because it will give me someplace to go on Thanksgiving and Christmas when I'm all alone.

There were 28 of us that went on that trip. My favorites are the white gators, they don't even look real. It was really hot that day and all that water makes it feel even more humid than normal, if that's even possible. It was a sweaty good time. 

Afterwards we all went out to lunch and I had fun getting to know people a little bit better.

Several people from the Gatorland event were at my next outing to The Melting Pot. It's a fondue restaurant only a couple of miles away from where I work so it was the perfect event to attend on a weeknight. We took up two long tables in the bar area and we all ordered the tasting menu. At a restaurant where most dinners are upwards of $50, the $19 tasting menu with cheese and chocolate fondues and a salad was perfect for my miniscule budget. Everything was delicious and it's the perfect way to get to know people because you're all sharing the different pots of fondue. I was reluctant to leave that evening, it was so much fun, but because I went there directly from work, Charlie was stuck at home for almost 13 hours. She was a very good girl, though, no accidents!

My next event was probably my favorite - brunch at Fort Wilderness which is a unique Disney "resort" campground with cabins to rent as well as space to bring your own RV. I had only been to Fort Wilderness once, Taz and I went there with my sister and brother in law waaaaaaay back in 1998. We had just finished a birthday/Thanksgiving breakfast at nearby Wilderness Lodge and we hopped on a boat to go explore. We only got as far as the gift shop so this trip to Fort Wilderness was virgin territory for me. I had no idea how huge this resort really is. You have to take a bus from the parking lot to the restaurant so I got to see all the cabins and some beautiful scenery. You don't feel like you're in Florida when you're there, it looks like parts of California so I felt very at home. Plus, I'm a cowgirl at heart so being there made me want to jump on a horse and ride away.

The food at the buffet was really good. I don't feel that way about most Disney buffets, I think some of them are mediocre, at best, but this one was tasty with a good variety and actually worth the price. I would go back any day. The company was great too, I sat at a table of all women and we had such a fun time.

My final social event was at the movies, a few of us went to see The Lion King. I don't have any pictures, unfortunately. I tried but the theater was too dark so nothing came out. It's one of those dine-in theaters. It was my first time to try this one and I have to say I wasn't impressed with my food. I ordered potato skins, which is a favorite treat, but they were pretty tasteless and they were very skimpy with the sour cream. I enjoyed the theater experience, and the movie was great, but next time I'll stick to popcorn.

After all this Meetup fun, I am enjoying a quiet weekend. I have met some fun people, had a few laughs but I'm worn out from having to put myself out there, trying so hard to make some new friends and keep the loneliness at bay. I need a quiet weekend just to recharge my batteries so that I can get out there again. 

At least that's what I'm telling myself. The reality is that I can't keep doing these Meetups all the time because it costs too much, I actually had a few more planned and I canceled them. And I'm home alone because no one else wanted to make any plans with me. If I give myself too much time to think about all of this, I'll cry, so it's time to get up off this couch and do something by myself.

Maybe I'll go back to Gatorland, at least I know the gators love me.

Virginia!

Once upon a time I used to travel for business...a lot. I was in charge of a 2000 attendee convention and had to make a few visits to the convention city each year. That was back when we lived in Virginia.

Then we moved to California and I took different sorts of jobs and my business travel ground to a halt. I still traveled but just for pleasure.

Last week, however, I learned that I get to travel for business once again and guess where I get to go?

Virginia!

The headquarters of the organization I work for is located about 5 miles from my old high school. Isn't that crazy? Small world, right? Everybody at headquarters is fascinated by the fact that I'm a Northern Virginia girl so when my job expanded, it seemed like a perfect opportunity to bring me up there for some training and to finally meet everybody face to face. While most of my other co-workers are free agents and don't have much interaction with the people in Virginia, I work closely with the accounting department up there and it would benefit me greatly to spend time with them.

I'm super excited about going back "home." Although I tend to think of California as home, because I spent 18 years there and it's the most recent place I've lived, the fact is that I spent most of my life in Virginia.

It's where I went to middle, high school and college. It's where I met Taz, where we got married and became a family, where we first lived together and where we bought our first house. There are memories around every corner.

I don't have the money to spend nearly as much time there as I'd like but I've worked my travel schedule so that I will have some personal time to visit my memories. My Virginia boss specifically picked a Thursday and Friday for my visit so that I could have the weekend afterwards for myself.

I think it will be both wonderful and very hard to go back. I know I'm going to cry. Hell, I'm crying right now just thinking about all of this. But I also know that it's something I need to do. I need to revisit these places, I need to say goodbye.

I wish I didn't have to do it by myself, I think it's going to take every bit of strength that I have and probably some that I don't have to get through this but I'm strong...because I have no choice.

So Virginia, I'm coming your way in just a couple of weeks! I hope you're ready for me.

I hope I'm ready for you.

cousin

I reconnected with a cousin today. She lives in Arizona and was out in Florida with her husband to attend her son's wedding.

We were never close, she was 14 years older than me and I'm pretty sure I wasn't even in high school the last time I saw her. I remember her son being a toddler and now he has a teenage daughter and just got married again. Weird how quickly time passes.

Because she was going to be in the state, she contacted me last August (partly to offer condolences on the passing of my sister) to make arrangements to stop by my mother's nursing home. Basically she wanted to see her aunt one last time.

Months have passed, of course, and we haven't had any communication except in these last couple of weeks to arrange a time. Lots has happened in my life since last August that she wasn't aware of.

I realized this might be the case and yet it still took me by surprise when we were sitting there in my mother's room and my cousin says "I haven't met your husband yet, I was hoping he would be here."

Talk about feeling like a knife was plunged into my chest. I know I got a weird look on my face and I just said, "yes." For a few seconds I couldn't say anything else. So many thoughts were running through my mind. What do I say? How do I handle this? I actually thought of just saying nothing and changing the subject because it's always such a downer to introduce the subject of death.

But, of course, I couldn't do that so I took a deep breath and told her that Taz had passed away a few months ago. Of course that changed the atmosphere in the room.

I did change the subject after that because I've found, even after 8 months, I still can't talk about it without starting to tear up and if I continued, I would definitely start to cry.

I really haven't talked about it with anyone, mostly because nobody wants to talk about it, but also because I hate the whole crying in public thing. I wonder when that will stop. I don't mean when will the feeling sad thing stop, that might never end but it might be nice to not feel like bursting into tears every time the subject is introduced.

Other than that emotionally-charged moment, we had a really great visit. Her father and mine were brothers and there aren't many cousins left. Her sister died several years ago and now with mine gone, she and I are the last of the girls in our family. I'm so happy to have reconnected with her after all these years.

She and her husband live in Arizona only a couple of hours from Las Vegas and, going in the other direction, just a couple of hours from the Grand Canyon. It's one of my favorite parts of the country and recently I've begun to think that one day I might move to the Southwest because I've always loved that part of the country. 

Taz loved it too, our very favorite part of each cross country drive (we did 8) was Arizona and New Mexico and he always wanted to visit Monument Valley because he fell in love with it while watching westerns as a kid. I was planning a trip for this year but we never got to make it so one day I promise I will make that trip in his honor. We also wanted to visit the Grand Canyon and almost did on our last cross country trip but changed our minds at the end so I'll definitely visit there as well. And think of all the amazing turquoise jewelry I could find out there! I'm really quite a cowgirl at heart.

The good news is that my cousin and I had such a nice visit, she extended an invitation to come out and visit her so I do hope to make that a reality sooner rather than later.

Frankly, I would like to make any sort of trip a reality. I would really love to take a vacation to someplace completely new just to get away from my real life for a little while. But traveling by myself is no fun and I can't afford it anyway so maybe I'll just have to "travel" in my dreams for now.

unexpected

I had been looking forward to today for weeks.

Today was the indoor Fancy Flea show. I love this show, Taz and I never missed it. Not only is it 2 large exhibit halls full of vintage junk but it's in the air conditioning. In Florida in July, this is priceless.

There was so much to look at and all of it was calling my name. I even had given myself permission to go beyond my usual $20 budget.

And yet...

I found myself unbelievably sad, pretty much on the verge of tears the entire time I walked through the show.

It was completely unexpected. I had been to the outdoor Fancy Flea in April and loved it. I had been to a mini indoor Fancy Flea in February with my little sister and was just fine. Like I said up front, I had literally been looking forward to this show for weeks, planning my work schedule so that I'd have the day free.

And yet here I was, walking through the exhibit halls barely seeing anything on display. Just sad and sadder.

I suppose this is because Taz and I always did this show together but it's not like it was something he loved. He just went because he knew I loved it and he loved spending time with me. And I guess that's why it made me sad - because we weren't together this time. From now on, I'll be attending this show by myself. I'm beginning to hate spending time with me.

So I left the show less than an hour after arriving, which means it was pretty much a waste of time and money to drive down. For the first time in forever, I didn't see a single thing I wanted so I left empty-handed.

After leaving the show I decided to treat myself to breakfast at my favorite diner in that town but when I pulled into the parking lot, it was suspiciously empty. Turns out it's closed for the month of July so the staff can have a summer vacation. While I don't begrudge them a vacation, I wish they had taken it another time, I love that place and I really needed it today.

I take it back, I do kind of begrudge them a vacation. I'm not getting one, why should they? Just kidding! Not really.

I drove the 40 miles back home and decided to drown my sorrows in a big plate of cheese enchiladas with extra refried beans at a local joint. I know "they" say it's not a good idea to self medicate with comfort food but I say screw "them" because it always makes me feel better.

So, I didn't expect to have that reaction today but I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling, didn't force myself to cheer up or repress those feelings. Then I comforted myself with food. Now it's time for a good cry and a nap.

I am rockin' this, aren't I?

threesome

Threesomes never really work out. 

Oh get your mind out of the gutter, I'm not talking about the "adult" version of a threesome. I have absolutely no experience with that. At risk of exposing my naivete, I'm not even sure how the mechanics of it would work. If anybody out there would like to explain it to me...well, never mind, I'm getting off track.

I'm talking about friendships among 3 girls or 3 women. I've been part of several threesome friendships over my lifetime. There are usually 3 distinct roles within the friendship. It usually starts with 2 best friends and then a newcomer gets introduced into the mix in one way or another. One of the best friends usually gets stuck in the middle while the other one sometimes experiences jealousy at having to make room in the friendship for a new person. And the newcomer usually ends up feeling like a third wheel at least some of the time.

I've been in each of those positions throughout the years and they've each produced hurt. Right now, within my group of friends, I'm the newcomer.

I've actually been surprised at how well we've been navigating the threesome world. We have so much fun together and I can't imagine my life without these girls but still, every once in a while, I can see little bits of strain.

The other night one of my friends texted me to say she was going over to our other friend's house. For a brief second I actually thought she was going to ask me if I wanted to come over too. It wasn't like I was even going to say yes. That was the night I was going to re-blonde my hair (oh did I spoil an illusion that it's my natural color? LOL) and couldn't go out, so why did it hurt just a little when there was no such request?

It's silly, of course, and doesn't affect our friendship, it just took me by surprise and reminded me how much I treasure my friendships even when they are complicated.

But it also made me aware that I can't stop trying to meet new friends. I've been going out to a few of those social events lately and they seem to be getting easier. At least I don't run away before they even begin anymore. Not that I've met my new best friend or anything even close but I have had some laughs and it keeps me busy and distracted and I think that's the best I can hope for right now.

Remind me to tell you about Gatorland next time!

friend date

I went on a friend date. That's an outing with someone that you've met at an event and you're kind of auditioning each other to see if you could become friends. It's very much like a date except without the possibility of sex.

We met at the luau back in May and then we sat across from each other at lunch on that train trip last month and made plans to see a play at a local town. She originally wanted to get to town fairly early in the morning to check out the farmers market but I wasn't up for it so we met for lunch instead.

It can be fairly uncomfortable to try to pick a restaurant with someone that you really don't know and she decided that the decision should be mine. Talk about pressure when you have no idea what the other person likes to eat and they just say "you decide" whenever you throw out a suggestion.

I finally settled on a place I'd never been to before but had always wondered about. When we walked in it looked so different from how I'd imagined it. It was basically a bar with some booths but I loved the ambiance with the tin ceiling, exposed pipes and brick walls. The menu was varied enough for just about any taste and I enjoyed the food we ordered.

My companion suggested we share a couple of entrees and that's what we did even though I'm not really a big fan of sharing.

As an introvert, I figured out a long time ago the secret to making small talk seem less awkward - you just subtly ask questions until you find a subject that makes their eyes light up and then sit back and let them talk. Most people LOVE talking about themselves so all you have to do is nod and smile. They never even notice that an hour can pass and they've not asked you a single question about yourself. Maybe that's why I keep thinking about the train guy, he actually seemed interested in getting to know me. 

Speaking of men, my lunch/theater companion showed me some text messages she'd gotten from another guy in our social group...a guy who has a girlfriend but is sending her super suggestive, kinda creepy messages. And then she shared stories of another dating disaster she's had in the last year. Makes me very disappointed in what's out there and I'm now pretty sure I'd better find a way to live with the loneliness. 

After lunch we made our way to the theater and found our seats. It's an old restored theater from 1935, quite intimate and cozy. It was the first movie theater in Central Florida. You know I love buildings with history so I was excited to see anything there. I also love live theater so even though I wasn't in love with the vocal talents of some of the cast and the story was dated, I loved the '80s music and really did enjoy the experience. I would love to go back for some of the other plays during the season. Before this, Taz and I had only been in this theater for a couple of classic Alfred Hitchcock/Grace Kelly movies.

We said goodbye just as soon as the play ended and made vague promises to do this again sometime.

See, exactly like a date.

Now I'm back at home with someone who is always interested in me. Who needs more friends than that?

thud

“When I think something nice is going to happen I seem to fly right up on the wings of anticipation; and then the first thing I realize I drop down to earth with a thud. But really, Marilla, the flying part is glorious as long as it lasts...it's like soaring through a sunset. I think it almost pays for the thud.”

That's a quote from LM Montgomery's Anne of Avonlea (part of the Anne of Green Gables series) and I must admit I never quite understood it. I've always been a pretty stable person, neither given to flying nor thudding. Of course I got excited about things but I rarely thudded.

While my situation is different than Anne's, I'm starting to feel the thud in my life. When I've just spent a wonderful day, usually with my kids, of being social and having fun it's like I'm flying on the wings of anticipation and I forget life's realities.

Then the day ends and everyone else goes home to their families and I end up all alone again with nothing to look forward to the next day and I wake up with a giant thud.

That's where I find myself this morning. I had a great day yesterday (although I'm awfully tired from working all week) and this morning I just feel extra thuddy. I feel like everybody else in the world is coupled up and/or part of a family unit and I'm just over here in a corner by myself. Like an abandoned toy that's just waiting for someone to notice it and play with it again.

I just don't know what to do about all of this. I have never been one to feel sorry for myself or compare my life to anyone else's so this is an unnatural state for me and I don't like it. But I can't stop myself from feeling this way.  It's very annoying.

I think this thud is impacting me more because I just came off a very busy, social week and a half with the beach trip, family visit, first full-time work week and then such a fun day yesterday. I haven't really had much time on my own for almost 10 days. The weekday evenings don't count because I was so exhausted from full days at work that I basically came home, ate something and fell asleep on the couch so I didn't feel the full effect of being alone. Plus I went out at least a couple of those nights.

And now it's Saturday and everyone has moved on to their own plans and I have thudded, big time.

When I was a teenager I had boyfriends on and off but I was never invested in the relationships so I didn't care if I had a boyfriend or not. I could never understand the girls that always had to have a guy. Guys seemed to be more trouble than they were worth as far as I was concerned. 

Then, as an adult, I must admit that I looked down my nose at the women who were so desperate for a relationship that they put up with way too much shit just to have a man and not be alone. I would never do that, I said to myself. 

Snotty little ass I was, since I was comfortably ensconced in a marriage and didn't have to deal with those issues.

Now I have more empathy. I understand the desperation. There's a saying that it's better to be alone than with the wrong one and I still fully believe that's true but it's hard to tell your lonely heart that and I'm sure most women go in to each new relationship firmly believing this isn't the wrong one. The anticipation that this could be THE ONE is better than dealing with the thud. I get it now, desperate women of the world, and I apologize for feeling superior to you all those years. I am so not superior, I'm afraid I'm one of you.

Except I'm not. I'm not going to allow myself to ruin my life just because I'm trying to avoid the thud. I'm going to sit here today in all my thuddiness and loneliness and just wait it out until those emotions go away.

That's what TV and ice cream are for.

wondering

Once again I've been reading what other widows on Instagram write. Lately many of them have been observing the birthdays of their deceased husbands - one has seen 3 birthdays, another one 8 birthdays - and they all have similar feelings as me "celebrating" Taz's first birthday. All are weighed down by grief, feeling unsettled and sad.

Some of these are women who have remarried or are in long-term relationships. They have "moved on" (if such a thing is possible) into the 2nd half of their forevers and yet the birthday of their first husbands causes them to snap back into the pits of despair.

This is disheartening to me. Not that I expect to ever rid myself of these feelings nor would I ever want to, but I guess I'd kind of fooled myself into thinking it would get a little easier each year. I'm kind of scared of the future now. Will I always find May to be difficult? Will all my progress be one step forward, two steps back?

So far I've been determined to work my way through this with no drugs and basically by myself. Am I just fooling myself?

Scary stuff that I never wanted to have to deal with but the universe didn't ask my permission and just flung it at me anyway.

not alone

So now I've been through my birthday, his birthday and our anniversary without him - the trifecta. I've also been through several major holidays. What have I learned?

Well, for one, I've learned that I don't want to be alone during these times. When I was at the beach last week, my friend said that he had wondered if I would want to be alone to contemplate on the anniversary or whether I'd want company. Clearly I was all about having company. I think I've contemplated enough for a lifetime. I am alone, contemplating, pretty much every day of the year so on these milestone days, being alone sucks.

Frankly, being alone sucks all the time. What's ironic is that I used to love being alone, I lived for those moments when I had the house to myself and now I kind of can't stand the silence.

Not that I just want another being to share my space. My failed attempt at having a renter proved that. I want people that I have a connection with, someone to talk to, someone that cares about me. That's why I enjoy having my family visit or have pool parties with my friends, I love to fill the house with laughter.

One thing this journey teaches you is who cares about you and who is just full of shit. There are plenty of people who, I feel, are interested in hearing about how I'm doing almost following my journey with morbid curiosity but have no interest in being there for me or being helpful. Sad to say, most of my family falls in this category and that hurts but there's nothing I can do about it. There is a wonderful handful of family and friends who I can count on and I treasure them because I know how rare that really is. The rest of them have taught me all sorts of lessons that I will never forget about how useless words can be.

It's also taught me not to waste my time or affections on people that don't deserve it. All of this has taught me not to waste time, life is way too short and unpredictable and I intend to spend every moment of it building memories with the ones that really matter to me.

My father in law went through a very difficult time when Taz was just a small child and he always told Taz that fake friends will fall away fast during difficulties but if you have one friend that stands with you, you are blessed.

I am more than blessed and all my energies will be directed towards those that have stood with me.