thud

“When I think something nice is going to happen I seem to fly right up on the wings of anticipation; and then the first thing I realize I drop down to earth with a thud. But really, Marilla, the flying part is glorious as long as it lasts...it's like soaring through a sunset. I think it almost pays for the thud.”

That's a quote from LM Montgomery's Anne of Avonlea (part of the Anne of Green Gables series) and I must admit I never quite understood it. I've always been a pretty stable person, neither given to flying nor thudding. Of course I got excited about things but I rarely thudded.

While my situation is different than Anne's, I'm starting to feel the thud in my life. When I've just spent a wonderful day, usually with my kids, of being social and having fun it's like I'm flying on the wings of anticipation and I forget life's realities.

Then the day ends and everyone else goes home to their families and I end up all alone again with nothing to look forward to the next day and I wake up with a giant thud.

That's where I find myself this morning. I had a great day yesterday (although I'm awfully tired from working all week) and this morning I just feel extra thuddy. I feel like everybody else in the world is coupled up and/or part of a family unit and I'm just over here in a corner by myself. Like an abandoned toy that's just waiting for someone to notice it and play with it again.

I just don't know what to do about all of this. I have never been one to feel sorry for myself or compare my life to anyone else's so this is an unnatural state for me and I don't like it. But I can't stop myself from feeling this way.  It's very annoying.

I think this thud is impacting me more because I just came off a very busy, social week and a half with the beach trip, family visit, first full-time work week and then such a fun day yesterday. I haven't really had much time on my own for almost 10 days. The weekday evenings don't count because I was so exhausted from full days at work that I basically came home, ate something and fell asleep on the couch so I didn't feel the full effect of being alone. Plus I went out at least a couple of those nights.

And now it's Saturday and everyone has moved on to their own plans and I have thudded, big time.

When I was a teenager I had boyfriends on and off but I was never invested in the relationships so I didn't care if I had a boyfriend or not. I could never understand the girls that always had to have a guy. Guys seemed to be more trouble than they were worth as far as I was concerned. 

Then, as an adult, I must admit that I looked down my nose at the women who were so desperate for a relationship that they put up with way too much shit just to have a man and not be alone. I would never do that, I said to myself. 

Snotty little ass I was, since I was comfortably ensconced in a marriage and didn't have to deal with those issues.

Now I have more empathy. I understand the desperation. There's a saying that it's better to be alone than with the wrong one and I still fully believe that's true but it's hard to tell your lonely heart that and I'm sure most women go in to each new relationship firmly believing this isn't the wrong one. The anticipation that this could be THE ONE is better than dealing with the thud. I get it now, desperate women of the world, and I apologize for feeling superior to you all those years. I am so not superior, I'm afraid I'm one of you.

Except I'm not. I'm not going to allow myself to ruin my life just because I'm trying to avoid the thud. I'm going to sit here today in all my thuddiness and loneliness and just wait it out until those emotions go away.

That's what TV and ice cream are for.