not alone

So now I've been through my birthday, his birthday and our anniversary without him - the trifecta. I've also been through several major holidays. What have I learned?

Well, for one, I've learned that I don't want to be alone during these times. When I was at the beach last week, my friend said that he had wondered if I would want to be alone to contemplate on the anniversary or whether I'd want company. Clearly I was all about having company. I think I've contemplated enough for a lifetime. I am alone, contemplating, pretty much every day of the year so on these milestone days, being alone sucks.

Frankly, being alone sucks all the time. What's ironic is that I used to love being alone, I lived for those moments when I had the house to myself and now I kind of can't stand the silence.

Not that I just want another being to share my space. My failed attempt at having a renter proved that. I want people that I have a connection with, someone to talk to, someone that cares about me. That's why I enjoy having my family visit or have pool parties with my friends, I love to fill the house with laughter.

One thing this journey teaches you is who cares about you and who is just full of shit. There are plenty of people who, I feel, are interested in hearing about how I'm doing almost following my journey with morbid curiosity but have no interest in being there for me or being helpful. Sad to say, most of my family falls in this category and that hurts but there's nothing I can do about it. There is a wonderful handful of family and friends who I can count on and I treasure them because I know how rare that really is. The rest of them have taught me all sorts of lessons that I will never forget about how useless words can be.

It's also taught me not to waste my time or affections on people that don't deserve it. All of this has taught me not to waste time, life is way too short and unpredictable and I intend to spend every moment of it building memories with the ones that really matter to me.

My father in law went through a very difficult time when Taz was just a small child and he always told Taz that fake friends will fall away fast during difficulties but if you have one friend that stands with you, you are blessed.

I am more than blessed and all my energies will be directed towards those that have stood with me.