truth

On a day to day basis, I am doing pretty good. I have more good moments than bad ones, I'm enjoying my job even though I'm working more hours than I ever wanted to, and I'm keeping pretty busy with social events and little sightseeing trips on my own.

But when I take a step back and think about the big picture, what I've lost and the unknown future, everything changes. I don't think I'm suffering from depression, it's more like shell-shock which is actually an old-fashioned term for PTSD. I just feel like I'm keeping my head above water but I'm not sure why. What do I have to look forward to? It's not the future that I ever wanted, it doesn't look like any of my dreams. What's the point of just existing for the next 30+ years?

When I'm not busy distracting myself I realize how very alone I am. It is a literal truth that if I weren't here anymore, no one's life would be negatively impacted...except maybe Charlie. Sure, there might be people who might miss me but only for a fleeting moment but nothing about me not being here anymore would change their lives in any way. 

That's a sobering thought. There's nobody out there that really misses Taz (except for me) but definitely his not being here has impacted my life in a devastatingly negative way.

And just in case anybody is actually out there reading this, I'm not going to harm myself. Hopefully this realization will give me the incentive to reinvent myself and my life so that this current situation will change and eventually there will be someone out there that would miss me or maybe I will build a new life that would be something *I* would miss. I'm a survivor, I promise. But shit, I am beyond pissed that this is how my life has turned out.