hurricane?

On any given day, I think I'm doing pretty well. My sister asked me how I was doing over the weekend and when I answered "good" she cocked her head and gave me a "tell me the truth" look but it was the truth. I'm feeling strong (or numb, not sure which) and rarely cry these days. I'm more focused on the future than I am on the past.

And then a teeny, tiny little thing like a hurricane comes along and BOOM! I'm right back feeling tiny, overwhelmed, vulnerable and alone.

See that black dot that says 2PM Mon? That is literally right over my house. Now it's still early days and as of this morning the path was going slightly south in some of the models but other models are still predicting it will come right over me.

I've been through this before - 2 years ago Irma wasn't expected to come right over us but it did. That was the scariest thing I've ever been through, even Taz was concerned. It happened around midnight so it was dark and it was loud and it lasted forever. Even after the hurricane moved off, the wind kept going for hours and with each gust I could hear things ripping off my house. We ended up getting a whole new roof and having our enclosure completely re-screened because so many things had been destroyed during the storm.

So, since that's my most recent hurricane memory, it can't help but affect the way I'm reacting right now.

Except this time I'll have to do all the outside prep and ride out the storm by myself. And, I'm sorry, I know I should stop feeling sorry for myself, but it just makes me want to have a little toddler tantrum. I wish I was stronger, I really do.

I've learned my lesson, of course. I post funny hurricane memes on Facebook but I won't share my feelings because nobody gives a damn and this is just something I have to deal with by myself.

The hardest part about a hurricane is waiting for it. We all get several days of advanced notice and then we wait and panic and search fruitlessly for water. I have some prep things that need to be taken care of before the storm gets here:

1. buy snacks - this is THE most important aspect of a hurricane. You're stuck for hours in the house and you're going to get hungry and vegetables just aren't going to cut it

2. stack outdoor furniture by the sliding glass door - Taz taught me well and although I've never done it by myself (and probably won't organize it as efficiently as he always did) I'm sure I can at least get everything in a clump under the porch roof so that it won't be lying around waiting to become a projectile

3. bring any loose items inside - fill up the big tub in the master bathroom with all the pool toys

4. gather up loose branches and at least put them into garbage bags so they can't blow through a window

5. trim tree branches - I won't be able to do this because I don't have the right equipment but I wish I could because I fear they'll break off and break a window or hurt my car

6. fill up bathtubs with water so that it can be used to flush toilets if necessary - I've done this with every hurricane and never needed it but, rest assured, if I skip it this time it will become a problem

7. buy more snacks - you can never have too many bags of chips

This was my snack table for Irma 2 years ago. I held off eating anything until the rain and wind started - hours before it actually came over us - and there was still plenty left over when it was all said and done but it was very reassuring to know there were plenty of yummy things to eat while we awaited our fate.

8. obsess about whether it would be safer to park the car in the driveway or on the street

9. make sure all the flashlights have fresh batteries - gotta love Taz, he believed in being prepared so I have oodles of batteries

At least I have a better plan for a safe space this time around. They tell you to shelter in place in a room with no windows and as far from exterior walls as possible. Last time we identified 2 places - the laundry room (which isn't a room but more like a small closet and not comfortable for 2 people and a dog) and the walk in closet in the master bedroom. We ended up in the closet when the hurricane went over our heads but it's on an exterior wall so I was never completely comfortable with that idea. Last night on TV they did a report and the reporter talked about using an interior hallway and just closing all the bedroom/bathroom doors. Perfect! I have a small interior hallway that opens onto 2 bedrooms and a bathroom but if I close those doors then there are no windows nearby so we'll be safe from blowing glass. It's roomier than the closet (especially now with all Taz's clothes piled on the floor of the closet) so I can put pillow and blankets down and we could even sleep there if need be. That's safer than sleeping in my bed right next to 2 big windows. I feel a lot better finally having my safe space identified.

I had a little breakdown yesterday and cried, I'm sure it won't be the last time. I wish Taz was here, not that I'd want him to have to go through another hurricane but just because it's more comforting and even more fun to have him around. I wish I didn't have to do it by myself. I wish a lot of things but the bottom line is, it doesn't matter what I wish.

It is what it is.