questions

I've got nothing profound to say today but just felt the need to write about some things that have been roaming around in my mind.

How does one live in the moment?

I'm having trouble with that concept. I'm very good at compartmentalizing things and I've always been determined to find something to enjoy each day but I've found it's an awful lot easier to enjoy today when you've got a plan for tomorrow.

Living in limbo is hard for me so you can imagine that this period in my life, where I really don't have a clue what the future holds, is pretty much driving me crazy.

I want so badly to relax in the here and now and enjoy what *is* without worrying about what *will be* but dang, it's difficult.

I've got a plan for the next year or two. Maybe not really a plan but a vague outline of a flicker of a shadow of a plan. Too vague for you? Me too! I'm ok with the plan, even excited for parts of it, but I wish I had more details. 

I wish I had more fun in there. I've been so focused on survival that I haven't had time to think about throw your head back and laugh-type fun and what's life without that? Without pure joy from time to time? Without an adventure?

But how does one go about finding joy and if you're too focused on finding joy in the future, mightn't you miss out on it in the present?

Oy, I'm making my head hurt again.

But I fear that I don't remember how to find joy in the moment. Or maybe the doors that used to open to joy are closed now. Maybe they're closed forever and I have to find new doors.

Of course there's the big question - am I going to get a happily ever after or is this all I get? I sometimes feel like I'm trudging through this part of my life just waiting to get to the good part again. I really need to make this the good part for now. I don't want to waste any of the time that I've been given in case it really doesn't get any better than this.

And yet, I want to believe that it *is* going to get better than this. Maybe I'm kidding myself but I need to believe there's still something else out there for me, something I've been working my way towards my whole life. Maybe that's naive but that's just who I am and I'm not going to let grim reality beat that out of me.

And if you're thinking I'm going to end this with some big enlightenment, some answer that wraps it all up neatly in a little package, you're going to be disappointed.

Today is all about questions; I have no answers.