weekend

Back at work on a Monday morning and it's weird, but I'm happier to be here than I am to be at home. That's a big switch in my life and one I'm not particularly comfortable with.

But weekends are weird now. I still enjoy myself, especially if I'm swimming, but I also spend way too much time wishing I was out doing something with people. And I watch the phone like I did when I was in high school, waiting for someone to make contact, to care, and it gets sad when they don't.

It's not like I don't do my own things to keep busy, this weekend I had to go down to see my mother.

Now that was super weird - as if she'd read my blog post about dating (which she hadn't since she doesn't use her computer anymore) she started obsessing about my lack of a love life. She kept asking if there were any men that I was interested in or if there were any attractive men at my work. And because she has selective dementia (my term because some things she remembers quite easily) she asked the same 2 questions over and over again until I thought I would scream. Of course, knowing my mother, she wants me to FIND a man but she wouldn't want me to DO anything with him except hold hands and skip down the street to the ice cream parlor. Believe me, if I find someone, that is NOT all that I want to do with him. Widow life is frustrating...I know, TMI.

After the morning with my mother, all I wanted to do was take a nap, so I did. Yep, that's the extent of my exciting Saturday. Sunday I swam pretty much all day and then worked on my book project a bit in the evening. That made me feel better, to be doing something positive to move my life forward.

I did see my friends on Friday. We do trivia nights at local places a couple of times of month. This past week we came in third at trivia night at the Cat Cafe and on Friday we, unexpectedly, captured third place again at the Disney trivia night at a winery that's just down the street from my neighborhood. It was villain night and my friends, who are both stay at home moms, came up with great costumes. I was stuck at work until late and just made it home in time to get to trivia before all the seats were taken so no costume for me. I was tired and so hungry that I don't think I was very good company. I didn't even stay to see if we'd won (they had to text and tell me we got 3rd) I was tired and lonely in a room full of people so I headed back home around 9pm.

Weekends are when I miss Taz the most because we almost always had something going on. He would call me the Director of Fun and it was my job to come up with somewhere for us to go. And then there were the weekends when we'd just need some down time so we'd each go off to a separate part of the house and do our own thing. He either was working on some computer project or watching the ID channel on TV. He did love that true crime thing, I could never get into it. I would head out for the swimming pool. Sometimes he would join me but he was a big baby about the pool temperature. He was like Goldilocks - it was either too cold or too hot and he would ease into the pool making faces when the incorrect water temperature hit his private parts. Boys are weird.

Then around noon he'd come into the kitchen to make something for both of us for lunch. He had this weird need to "take care" of me. I'm not the type of girl that expects that and it sometimes made me feel weird but I came to recognize that this was his way of showing love. He was a lot like his mom on that score. Sometimes now, when I am sitting in my lounge chair that faces the kitchen window, I can almost imagine him standing at the stove cooking something and making silly faces at me.

So I limit the amount of time I spend in that lounge chair now.

On Sunday nights I do the familiar thing where I start to tense up about having to go back to work and wish I could have another day at home...and then I stop that line of thinking because I don't know what I would do with more endless hours after having barely made it through the last two days.

Hopefully that will change one day, I would like to go back to loving weekends.