fool

They say there's no fool like an old fool. Well, I'm old so I must be the foolishest fool there is.

I keep making the same mistake over and over again, trying to find new friends or even a potential romantic friend. I go places, attend events, make contact with hopes and dreams and expectations and every single time I end up disappointed because I'm not enough.

Case in point, my most recent mistake - I went to the Food and Wine Festival at Epcot on a Saturday night. Everybody knows that Saturday night is the worst. First of all there are the crowds, masses of people all stuck into one small space. Then there are the drunks - it is a WINE festival after all. Then there's the weather, it's still hot and humid here and you're walking around a concrete jungle that soaks up the heat and radiates it all around you until you feel like you're melting.

I never go to Epcot on a Saturday night even without a festival going on. So why did I this weekend?

A guy.

He and I are both members of a group. We'd never met or even talked to each other (except a couple of comments here and there on posts) but he's a widower and I've always figured we would at least have a lot of things to talk about and it's clear from his postings that he's ready to meet new people so when he posted that he'd be in Epcot Saturday night and would love for others to join him, I decided to put myself out there.

Who knows what happened but we never met up. Nobody else publicly answered his call for company and he never contacted me (should have been my first clue) but I went anyway because I figured nothing ventured, nothing gained.

So I started posting pictures of my visit to our group. I figured if he was interested in meeting up then he would contact me. My first stop was England so that I could pick up my new Pooh friend. I have a long history (from childhood through my relationship with Taz) with A.A. Milne's silly old bear. I'll post about that another time.

After buying Pooh and posting the picture I started to think about just going home. It was so crowded that I didn't even want to stand in line for any of the festival food. I sat on a bench for a very long time, checking my phone over and over, calling myself an idiot for believing once again that something magical could happen. And then something did, he responded to my post to say he was in Epcot too. I asked him some sort of question to see if he would suggest meeting up but then it was crickets, I didn't hear anything back. In spite of that, I decided to go back and brave the crowds and get something to eat because I was starving.

I got in the extremely long line for a lobster roll. It was pricier than pretty much everything else at the festival but I figured it was the only thing I was getting and I love lobster so it was worth it. While I was standing in line I saw that the guy had responded a couple more times, even sharing where he was going to be but, because of some phone weirdness, this was almost 30 minutes earlier so who knew if he was still there or not.

So I shared that I was standing in line at the American pavilion which was one country over from where he had been 30 minutes before. I figured if he was interested he would come my direction because I mentioned that I was stuck in a line so long I would probably be there for the rest of my life.

He "liked" that comment and then nothing.

I found a place to sit - not easy when half the world's population is hanging out with you - took out my Pooh and took some pictures with him when I wasn't obsessively checking my phone for a message. Not only was I a grown woman hanging out with a stuffed animal, I was dangerously close to hugging that stuffed animal tightly to me for comfort as I was feeling increasingly stupid for thinking that something would magically happen.

And then if I weren't already pathetic enough, I posted yet another picture to our group saying that I had found a great seat for the concert that was starting in 15 minutes. I look back and I cringe at how obviously desperate I must have looked. Please, pay attention to me!

And the guy "liked" that picture but still didn't try to suggest meeting up. And that's when I knew I was done. There used to be a book called "He's Just Not That Into You" and that's the phrase that went through my head. He wasn't interested in meeting up or talking or being friends or anything beyond that (because, of course, my mind had already gone there) because I wasn't enough.

He wasn't into me.

And guess what, that hurts just as much in my old age as it did when I was a teenager. It hurts when people don't want to be my friend, it hurts when men don't find me interesting enough to even attempt to get to know me, it hurts when anybody ghosts me, it makes me feel things I haven't felt in 3 decades, emotions I'd even forgotten existed, emotions I never wanted to feel again.

So after the concert finished and it was dark, Pooh and I went home. I was berating myself with each footstep for being an idiot and a fool, telling myself that I was done, I was never going to try to find friendship (or whatever) again.

But we all know I will.

Because I, my friends, am what they call a hopeless romantic, emphasis on the hopeless part. I want to - no, I HAVE to believe that love and friendship are out there, although maybe not for me. But I'll probably keep trying until I've run through every non-responsive man and potential friend out there. LOL Because if all I ever do is protect myself and sit on the couch, how do I know I'm not missing the one person out there who might actually want to get to know me? I'm sure there's got to be one, right?

But maybe I'll give it a rest for now and just hang out with my 2 best friends. I don't think my heart can take another rejection right now.