lost safari...or just lost

I recently attended an event that I'd been looking forward to for weeks. It was one of those dress-up events at Disney, this one was called the Lost Safari Party.

I spent weeks coming up with the right costume that would invoke the spirit of the event but would work in the intense heat that is the hallmark of September in Florida.

I even posted a poll on Instagram to help me pick a hat

Then the day came to go and I was so excited. I had all these hopes that I would walk into the event by myself and find a welcoming group of people who could become new friends.

The day started well, Mickey and Minnie were very complimentary about my outfit. See my shorts? I found them for $3! And they are made from recycled bottles so they're even good for the environment. I had to get new khaki shorts because all my old ones are too big...it's the grief diet.

But then I met up with the group and instead of finding kindred spirits, I found myself feeling quite invisible. I can't even describe the feeling. We all went on the safari ride "together" but it was like I was on an island where I could see people laughing and joking together but they couldn't see me. There was no interaction. At least the animals were out before the heat of the day drove them in.

Partly, I'm sure, it was my own fault that I was invisible. I am very shy and although I tried to engage others in conversation, I guess I wasn't doing a very good job because they might (or might not) respond but then turned away and started talking animatedly with someone else. I guess I wasn't interesting enough.

There was a lunch period after the ride and in my fantasies I would have been invited along with the group. Instead I ate alone and contemplated just going home. But I couldn't because my friends were meeting up with me for the scavenger hunt portion of the day. And that made me feel guilty because I felt like they were only coming because they felt like they had to, not because it was something they really wanted to do. It was much too hot to be out and I felt bad that the kids were dragged along.

At least the scavenger hunt was fun. We got all the clues and finished this time so we got cute buttons. We had plans to do some rides after the hunt but it was so beastly hot that the adults decided to call it a day and go home. The kids were not too happy with that decision and I really felt bad because I'm sure, in their minds, they'd had to be along for the boring stuff but didn't get the reward of having some fun afterwards.

So I went home to Charlie feeling ambivalent about the whole thing. I had enjoyed myself, I do love dressing up. It was fun to be walking through the park with everybody in full safari gear, watching all the tourists stare at us and wonder what was going on. I had a great time with my friends but I don't ever want to feel like I'm a burden to them and that they *have* to show up for things they'd rather not do just so that I won't be alone.

Which was one of the reasons I had hoped to find my place in the group that sponsors this event, so that I'm not constantly relying on one set of friends, wearing them out with my neediness. So it was disappointing that that part of the day didn't work out the way I'd planned.

I know I've said this before but I hate that this is how my life has turned out. I know the story isn't over yet but I really, really despise this part of it and I'm so afraid this is where I'll get stuck because nothing I try to do to get past it seems to work. I've tried to make friends with so many different groups, tried to make a connection with individual people and I get nothing in return. It really sucks. I miss my old life so much.

This was me in the car at the end of the day. I look like I'd been through the wringer, don't I? I will say that I went home and jumped in the swimming pool, I almost didn't stop to put a swimsuit on, and I felt much better after that. My pool is the one part of my old life I will hang on to as long as I can.