18 months

18 months ago today Taz walked out of the front door on his way to work and he never walked back in. The conversation I had with him that morning was the last I would ever be allowed to have. I'm so glad I followed him to the door that morning and wished him a happy day. He wished me the same and, as he always did, told me to drive "bearfully" which was his silly way of saying carefully.

A whole year and a half has gone by since that morning that was so full of promise. It was a Thursday and we had so many plans for that weekend because we were going to celebrate my birthday. I had a whole weekend agenda planned and it was awesome; I'd been working on it for 6 months and I had a fun activity planned for every part of the 2 days.

And I find myself angry when I think about how completely different my life is now. I had a home and a husband and plans and dreams for the future. Now I have a house where I feel unwelcome and invisible and I feel like I have no one there for me on a day to day basis. My boss at work is probably the only one who takes the time to ask me how I'm doing and, quite frankly, as a mental health professional she's a little worried about my home situation. LOL

But I'm not going to dwell on it, I just can't. I don't mark the monthly anniversaries anymore, just the big ones like today. I have to "move on" they tell me and I am. I want to have plans and dreams for the future again although it's a little hard right now when no one even knows what the future will look like.

Every day I take a selfie to keep track of myself, make sure I'm really not as invisible as I feel, and I usually smile a little for the camera and it's an accurate reflection of how I feel at the time but this is how I feel right at this minute and more often than anyone would ever know. I am often overwhelmed and overcome with tears although I only let myself indulge for a little while before I pull it together because that's who I am.

I wish I had some of my distractions back. I got an email from the leader of Nerdy Movie Club basically saying he didn't know when or how we'd ever be able to resume meeting and it just made me so sad. I had finally found a place where I felt like I belonged and it made me happy and I only got to attend 1 meeting before the whole world blew up in our faces.

My chorus, which I love so much, is going to get together to do one song at an outdoor event next Saturday to honor veterans at Memorial Day and I want to be there with them so much but I worry that my tenants will find one more thing to be upset with me about if I go. I don't know why I care, they avoid me like the plague...or like I have the plague...so I don't think it could get any worse but I'm a people pleaser by nature and I don't know how to stop. I did get an email yesterday though about how we'll be spaced out in a big circle around the park rather than crowded on our usual risers and we can wear masks until the actual moment of singing and we're only going to do the one song rather than 2 so I feel like it might be safe so I'm still deciding whether or not to attend. I feel like I need to see their friendly faces because I'm so lonely that I might just break.

I don't think I expected to find myself here a year and a half into all of this. I think I'm stronger than I was, I feel like progress keeps being made, I know all this pandemic stuff is just a temporary setback that's keeping me in limbo, I know I've got this and I will prevail even if I end up being all by myself but right now, right at this moment, I'm sad and I'm feeling a distinct lack of hope. I think I thought I would be further along to my future by now and it annoys me that I'm not and that things are actually worse than they were a year ago at this time.

That sound you just heard, that's me picking myself up off the floor one more time and forging ahead. It's what I do.