out

Let me tell you all a little story about Toothbrush Guy.

Yeah, I went there. Friday at work was REALLY boring so I decided to respond but I was different than I'd ever been before. I was sarcastic, I called him out on the lines he was using, I made him talk first and ask me all the questions. I wasn't afraid to tell him he was being cheesy.

And he was right there with me, it was one of the most fun exchanges that I've had. He opened up a bit and told me his wife died 8 years ago. At first I was skeptical about the truthfulness of that but later he said something about his grief journey, almost as an aside, that rang true. It's something I don't think you'd know about unless you'd experienced it.

He called me on the phone, y'all. I am so not a phone person but we ended up having lengthy conversations and he made me laugh more than I have in a really long time.

I didn't want to get ahead of myself with any of it but I did let myself dream of a life beyond these 4 walls just a little. I started to look forward to deep sea fishing and walks around the lake, to cooking dinner together, to morning sex and breakfast in bed. And, of course, road trips because I want to travel so badly.

But then late last night he was keeping in touch while he was out at a pool tournament and he sent me a full length picture of himself at the pool hall and asked for one in return. And this is where cold fear entered my heart.

I sent him this one. 

Apparently I wasn't the fantasy girl he'd been expecting because he typed a couple more lines and then it's been radio silence ever since.

And that's exactly what I'd feared - I'm not enough.

I'm not enough because there's too much of me.

And the irony is that I look better than I ever have. I am wearing the smallest size I've worn since high school. I have hair for days. I look younger than my actual age and I look a damn sight younger than he does.

But it's not enough and it's exactly what I'd feared when I realized, after Taz died, that I was eventually going to end up out in the dating world again. It was not easy at 20, so much anxiety, so many feelings of inadequacy. I guess I'm damn lucky I had decades of not having to ever feel that way but being thrust back into all that angst at middle age is a cruel joke that life has played.

I wonder if this picture would have gotten a better response. I'm still not a Barbie but I'm proud of myself, who I've become, who I'm still becoming. I'm damn proud that I've lost weight during all of this and didn't turn to food for comfort. I feel good in my own skin but it's still disappointing that nobody else can see it.

Guys are jerks. They can say all the right words and maybe even mean it in the moment but, in the end, they return to their default setting of neanderthal. 

But for a little while I really enjoyed the attention. I liked having someone to talk to and laugh with. I could almost feel his hand in mine. I loved having him check in with me throughout the day. I told him I was going to Walgreens to shop for hair stuff and he called while I was there and had me in stitches describing all the rows and rows of products for women and the tiny little corner in the back for men.

For just a little while, I didn't feel all alone.

But that's it for me - 3 up, 3 down - 3 strikes and you're out.

I am so out.