crash

I honestly thought I was doing better. I went away to a secluded place for Taz's birthday. Just Charlie and me in an empty house and we were close to the beach so we went in the morning and again in the evening when the beach was empty and we could enjoy all that beauty without worrying about germs.

It was peaceful and lovely and a bit of a fantasy. I thought I was feeling strong and I started conversing with someone (online) that I thought was going to play a big part in my future. I really thought things were working out even in all this time of uncertainty. I thought somebody actually cared enough to want to talk to me and laugh with me, someone who wasn't going to ghost. I had such hopes for the future.

But after soaring to new heights, today was the crash as yet another man acted like he's interested and then just isn't. I have yet another one to add to the discard pile and I'm starting to realize the common denominator is me. I'm starting to wonder what Taz ever saw in me, whatever it was, it's gone now and I'm so fucking tired of feeling all alone and unlovable in this life.

And people who I have trusted with my home and my friendship don't seem to be able to reciprocate that trust but tell me that it's all my fault. I know it's not been my imagination and I'm not going to be made to account for every second or feel guilty about not doing anything wrong. Today I was out for 4 hours, completely by myself, and I came home to 2 texts (from 2 different people) asking that I account for myself. I just don't think that's right, I have never once asked them to account for their time since we're all adults but I'm tired of fighting and I'm tired of defending myself when I shouldn't have to and I'm really tired of feeling taken advantage of. There are many things to think about for the future and my hope of keeping my beloved home is fading.

It was actually a really good week and I had a lovely first part of my day today but the ending could use some work...however I'm just too discouraged to do anything about it so I'm going to cry myself to sleep and start again in the morning.