Christmas

After all the whining in my last post about the shitty Christmas Eve I was having you'll be surprised to learn that I had a really, really nice Christmas day!

I spent the morning cooking which was quite a change for me. Charlie was very confused to see me spend so much time in the kitchen. Taz always took charge of holiday meals and I haven't felt like cooking anything for a year now so suddenly being totally on my own with a turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce and a carmelized onion dip was quite a change.

And I found out I really enjoy cooking again. As usual, I tried out all new recipes on company. When am I ever going to learn? Not any time soon since all my experiments turned out pretty good.

I kind of stopped cooking much when Taz developed a love for it. I cooked all the meals for the first 20 years of our marriage but when he started being home more (because of unemployment) he took over the cooking, partly because he felt guilty and wanted to do something to feel like he was contributing.

I was tired of cooking by then so I stepped back and let him take over...plus, whenever I did cook he'd always be hovering over my shoulder telling me ways I could "improve" it and that got on my nerves and stripped away at my confidence. So I just got out of the way and let him do his thing. It certainly didn't hurt that he was excellent at it and he loved it so much.

But now the kitchen is mine again and I realize I really enjoy cooking too. I may never be the creative chef that Taz was but I can whip up tasty meals and it's fun.

So one of the fun things I'm going to do in 2020 is collect vintage cookbooks from antique stores and make something new every month.

I was busy cooking so much for Christmas because my godfamily was coming over for lunch! I really didn't want to spend Christmas alone or dwell on the fact that no one in my family seemed to be the least bit interested in whether or not I had any plans for that day so I invited the "family I've chosen" to spend the day with me and they were more than happy to accept.

It turned out to be quite a fun day. They got there around noon and we ate. Then we opened presents and talked and laughed for hours. We were having so much fun and the afternoon went by so quickly that we ended up ordering pizza for dinner and played games until it was time for the kids to go to bed.

I put together a hot cocoa bar for dessert and that was a big hit. I did the cocoa in a crockpot and it was super yummy and rich. I'm a BIG cocoa fan but this was way too rich for an everyday sort of thing...but it was perfect for a special treat.

The kids were actually having such a fun time that they wanted to do a sleepover but I had to get up early for work and they didn't have any clothes or toothbrushes so they had to go home. We'll have plenty of time for sleepovers in the future.

After they left I realized I hadn't been sad all day. It's not that I didn't think about Taz, we even talked about him, but I wasn't lonely. I was able to enjoy this Christmas even though it was different than any Christmas that I spent with him. Truth be told, it was one of the nicest Christmases I've had in a long time, there's just something about having kids around at this time of year. And it was especially nice to spend time with people who really wanted to be with me. I am filled with love and gratitude.

But, that's not going to stop me from fulfilling my dream of having a hot, tropical beach Christmas next year!