packing away 2 lives

My weekend had a common theme - packing up the bits and pieces of people's lives. More like packing (or throwing) them away.

I finally broke down and accepted the one offer I had to help with my mother's things. Well, I had 2 offers, both of which I turned down because I didn't want to burden the people who have already helped me so much. One person asked again and this time I had to swallow my pride and accept because I wasn't going to be able to do anything more by myself and it really did have to get done.

And I'm not going to waste my time complaining about the people who should have been helping but never even bothered, never even offered moral support. Just know that I'm done with them. And I'm not one to hold grudges so this is an entirely new feeling for me. There is a power in rage and I'm all about power these days. Since they all claim to be such strong Christians, they will have to answer for their inaction one day but it won't be me judging them. Can you tell I'm a bit miffed? LOL  I'll get over it, I see no value in anger as a long term strategy no matter how satisfying it feels right now. I'm sure the novelty will wear off.

The day at my mother's old place was actually fun. I took a few pieces of furniture that had sentimental value and family history along with some pictures and "important" papers. I'm walking away from everything else, all the little knick knacks that she loved so much. It's depressing how a person's life boils down to just a bunch of junk that doesn't mean anything to anyone else.

I also took one piece with no real history except that my mother loved it - a giant shoe chair. My mother has had a life-long love affair with shoes. I remember as a child being dragged from one shoe store to the next so that she could try everything they had in her small size 5. She had a real love for high heels and things that I used to call hooker shoes. I thought her taste was awful and I developed an aversion to shoes that has mostly lasted to this day although I will swoon over a great pair of boots. Maybe the apple didn't fall all that far from the tree.

So I had no intention of taking the shoe chair but I thought maybe my god kids might enjoy it. Then I sat on it. I've never really believed in love at first sight before (still don't) but I am a true believer in love at first sit. OMG, I had to have that chair. The god kids are going to have to fight me for it.

The guy helping me didn't think the chair would fit in the borrowed truck but his wife and I wouldn't let that stop us and, sure enough, he found a way to make it and the other 3 small pieces of furniture fit in there. Of course it meant there was no place for his kids to ride but they would rather ride in my car anyway. And that was the best part of the day. My god kids can make me laugh, especially my god son. We got stuck in a traffic jam and the normally 45 minute drive lasted over 90 but we were too busy laughing and singing to notice...much. There's only so long 3 kids can be stuck in a car without resorting to "are we there yet?" Still, it was my favorite part of the day.

My other packing up experience was not so fun. The time has come to pack up Taz's home office. I've put it off for over a year but I'm going to need that room (and 2 others) emptied by the new year so on Friday night I walked in there...and promptly burst into tears, saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over again as I pulled things off shelves and placed them in boxes or trash bags. It was a horrible experience and I have no doubt that I probably shouldn't be doing it by myself but I'm going to anyway. Unlike my mom's situation, there are no family members who *should* help with this, this is my obligation alone and I'd never ask for help with it. That's not to say that I wouldn't welcome someone who knew and loved him showing up on my doorstep with empty boxes (and a bottle of wine) in hand but we all know that's not going to happen.

It's the same feeling I had when I emptied out the freezer of all *his* foods - I'm erasing his life. Pretty soon it'll be like he was never here. Eventually that room will be empty and all trace of him will be gone and it breaks my heart. For the most part I'm putting everything into boxes which will go in the garage where I can either go through them years from now or never. I'm going to label the boxes that contain things I know I *will* want to see again and some things will be put in my room although I'm trying not to build a shrine in there. I still have to find the strength to go through the clothes in our closet and his dresser. 

I did find a bunch of photo albums he put together that I never even knew about. It's mostly our very early years on up through our very first visit to California in 1994. It was fun looking through them until it wasn't. I can only take old pictures for so long and then it's overwhelming because I know we'll never get the chance to make new memories.

I'll probably be back in that room again tonight, and every night until it's finished. I hate this part. I'm going to have to spend all my holiday time off working on this project. I'm making a vow right here and now that next Christmas I'm going to spend 2 weeks on a beach somewhere with nothing to do except decide who gets to rub suntan lotion on my back each day.

And I hate being so strong that nobody realizes how close I am to falling apart, how much I long to have somebody just hold me until the storm passes. Nobody ever sees the storm. Nobody would ever even know there is a storm raging inside me if I didn't write it down here. No one realizes how alone I feel (I know you do, dear reader, because I mention it every other word and I do apologize but nobody is forcing you to read this) because all they ever see is the smiling face. They hear the laughter and don't bother to look beneath the surface. 

Basically, the real me is invisible. I think it's always been that way; I don't know how to change. I guess I fear that if I really let people see what's inside no one would care and I'd just break into a million pieces and get swept away by the wind.