single

So here's the weird thing - I'm single.

Yes, I know I've technically been single for over a year now but it's only recently that I've actually started to *feel* single.

And yes, I know I've talked a lot about being ready to date again and all that but I'm not sure I actually felt single at that point, I just felt lonely.

But recently there's been a subtle shift in my head and I'm coming to accept my singleness. Not thrilled about it, as you can imagine, but acceptance doesn't have to mean you're happy about what has happened.

I think it all really hit me in the head when a co-worker started giving me tips about how he used to get through the holidays as a single person. He figured I needed to know these things because I am now...a single person.

Yuck. I liked being married. The last time I was "single" (as in not in a relationship, not necessarily as in not being married) I was 20 and a virgin. Yes, I was a late bloomer. Don't judge. I have said it before, I was a very good girl.

That was a hell of a long time ago, let me tell you. I almost don't remember being single except for the sense of isolation. I didn't enjoy singlehood at all. I certainly didn't take advantage of it.

So now I'm most certainly not 20. Being single at that age was the norm, most of my friends were too. Being single at NOT 20 doesn't feel at all normal. Although I know there are a lot of older single women out there, most of my friends are married so I'm an oddity. The only other widows I know locally are senior citizens and I'm not there yet. Their situations are completely different from mine.

I feel like I should embrace singleness now and yet I really don't want to. I think my strength is in being a good partner and I know someone would be damn lucky to have me.

We'll see.

And for the record, I kind of feel like a virgin again, is that weird? I don't feel like this will benefit me or make me at all desirable on the dating scene. So yeah, I'd better come to terms with singlehood because that's probably going to be my label from here on out.