Merry Christmas Eve

I just wanted to jump in and wish everyone out there a very Merry Christmas.

I can say these words honestly and without reservation because I am having a happy holiday season. Truth - it's a roller coaster but I'm determined not to focus on what I've lost (except when it slams me in the face) and instead focus on the wonderful people who I have here and now.

You know how they say you never appreciate what you have until it's gone? Well there is a lot of truth in that. Although I truly believe I did appreciate Taz and my marriage every day, it's also easy to get caught up in a bunch of little crap and not look at the big picture all the time. Now that he's gone I realize I could have loved him even better and I wish I had that chance.

But I don't.

So I don't want to make that mistake with the life I have left, with the people who choose to make me part of their family. I see far too many widows focusing almost exclusively on their pain at this time of year and refusing to enjoy the holiday season.

And I get it, the pain is ever present, threatening to consume everything in its path. It takes a conscious effort to look past the pain and not miss all the good that's still in your life.

I fail at this often but, at least for tomorrow, I'm going to appreciate all that I have and anticipate all the good that's still to come.

So merry, happy, silly Christmas. I hope everyone out there is feeling as blessed as I am.