the list

It's that time of year - the time to make resolutions and identify dreams for the future.

My resolution game is strong, I make the same one every year and I'm usually excellent at keeping it. 

I resolve to be adorable every day.

I'll admit, last year wasn't my most successful, I'd say I only had a 50% adorableness rate but I finished the year strong, getting adorabler every day. I anticipate near 100% in 2020. I can't help it, I wake up that way.

And now on to my dreams for the future - I'm making a list of all the things I want to accomplish (or at least try) in 2020. I feel like I didn't do very much except keep my head above water (mostly) in 2019. And that was ok, it was what I needed to do. I don't think I had the strength to try new things but I'm feeling stronger now, more stable, and I desperately want to have dreams for the future again.

Yes, the future. I have a future. It's such a gift, not everybody gets one.

So here's the list I've come up with so far. It's definitely going to be a work in progress.

1. Get back to my writing project! I'll bet you thought I'd forgotten all about what I wrote here about having a project that I wanted to actually finish. I haven't forgotten but I did get sidetracked by the hurricane and then breaking my arm. But that's all over now and so it's back to writing.

I think, once my family moves in, I'll probably need a nice project to sink my teeth into to give me something to distract myself from the fact that everything has changed. If I need a little alone time then working on my book is the perfect excuse to hang out in my room.

And there's that road trip to Georgia which will be a great excuse to get out of the house on a Saturday or Sunday when I get tired of being the 3rd wheel in their family.

2. I want to fly! Taz loved airplanes, especially the fighters from WWII and I think all those years of hearing about them and visiting aviation museums rubbed off on me. The first thing I want to do is go up in a bi-plane then I want to do some real flying in a Stearman which was the training plane for pilots in WWII. It also relates to my book project so two birds, one stone.

If I like it up there in the sky, I think maybe I'd like to take flying lessons and eventually get my pilots license but that's more of a long-term goal.

3. I want to travel! I have a bad case of wanderlust that's been growing all through 2019 but I haven't had the resources to go anywhere. I'm hopeful that with my new roomies, money will be a little less tight and I'll be able to plan a few trips even if they are mostly modest. Luckily Florida has lots to explore. But I'd also like to at least take one out of state road trip to Texas to do more research for my book. Hopefully I can do that in the spring because I'm itching to go. I'll be perfectly fine out there in the middle of nowhere Texas all by myself, I'm sure.

4. Speaking of travel - I'd like to go at least one new place in 2020, somewhere I've never been before. I've been a lot of places so I'll have to be creative. I'd love to go somewhere in Europe but I doubt that's feasible this year.

5. I'd like to date. Well, I'd like to think about dating. I'm not sure about this one so it's not a high priority but I do want to put it out there. Actually, originally when I started thinking about goals for 2020, my only goal was to get laid, it's been a long time. Does that shock you? It kinda does me so I guess that's why I rethought that idea and changed it to dating. The end result might be the same but I don't want to be indiscriminate. I mean, part of me would like to be totally wild but I know I can't be, at least not for any length of time; I have a terminal case of good girl. Maybe I'll settle for being just a little daring. I'm not even sure how to go about dating. There's the whole online thing but I've heard so many horror stories and I'm not even sure how to start or what apps to use. All my previous boyfriends have started out as friends, I don't even know how to go to dinner with a stranger and start the process of becoming intimate...and by that I mean making a real connection, not just sex. In fact,  just writing about all this makes me want to say forget it but I can't. I need to put myself out there and at least try. So yeah, dating is a goal for 2020. Yay. If nothing else at least I'll get to go out to dinner a little more and that's always fun.

6. Be funny again. It's always been my thing - I'm sarcastically funny, dry wit, sometimes goofy, etc. I'm not funny all the time, it only comes out when I'm really comfortable with people but lately it hasn't been there much at all and I miss that side of me. You can't force yourself to be funny so I hope it just comes back on its own throughout the year. Hopefully, with all the dating, there will be funny stories or at least I'll turn any disasters into funny stories to make myself feel better. I can be kind of awkward, especially in new situations, so I've had to learn to turn it all into a funny story as a defense mechanism over the years...I've had lots of practice.

7. I want to be healthier. I don't want to go overboard on that but yeah, I'd like to eat healthier and work out more. Last year my mother, who can always be counted on to try to make me feel bad about myself, told me that I'd need to watch what I ate while I was grieving so that I didn't balloon up. Wasn't that nice of her? That's certainly just what I needed to hear in the midst of deep mourning.

She needn't have worried though because not only did I not balloon up, I have lost weight all through the year and I wasn't even trying. I want that trend to continue so I'm going to make it a conscious goal. Plus, I'll be around the kids all the time now and I want to be a role model not a cautionary tale. 

Well, that's about all the goals I can think of. I just want it to be a year of growth and fun and happiness. I want to thrive, not merely survive. I hope 2020 will be the first year of a bright new future.