t'was the weekend before Christmas

Here we are, Christmas Eve eve. I can't believe it's Christmas again, didn't we just do this a couple of months ago?

Maybe I feel that way because my December is feeling a lot like last December. I spent another Saturday at my mother's old room, finishing up getting the last couple of things that I could carry. I just sent the email releasing the room.

I also visited with her and she's once again obsessed with my love life...or lack thereof. She kept asking if I'd met any "nice young men." She's good for my ego because she just refuses to believe there isn't anybody out there interested in loving me. Too bad she's (literally) delusional. 

Before that visit I met one of Taz's former co-workers (and his wife) for lunch at a local Vietnamese restaurant near my mother's home. That was a fun time, we hadn't seen each other in months so there was much to catch up on and many Taz stories to tell. This co-worker was Taz's best friend at the company and I know Taz felt like a mentor to him. They used to talk on the phone several times a week. When I heard him say "hey Brandon" I knew I wasn't going to see him for a couple of hours, at least.

One of the last conversations they had was about ghosts so Brandon is a little disappointed that Taz hasn't haunted him. I admit I kinda feel the same way. Taz was such a big, over the top personality that it seems like if anybody could find a way to come back from the other side, it would be him.

And yet, maybe we're just not thinking outside of the box the way Taz would. The reason we reconnected is that Brandon's phone dialed Taz's phone (which is now the phone and number I use) all on its own. He didn't leave a message (he may not have even known it was happening at the time) but when I saw his name come up on caller ID I decided to text him just in case it was something important. From there we decided to meet for lunch and we had so much fun we're going to try to do it every month or two. Who is to say that Taz didn't have a direct hand in all that? It seems like a bizarre coincidence.

Oh wait, I totally forgot to start with telling you about Friday! I did a big thing - I wasn't feeling well when I woke up so I called in sick to work...but I started feeling better after a little nap so I decided to drive myself to the beach because that always makes me feel better. It was my first time back at the beach since July so the weather was significantly different. I do love the beach in winter, it's great for walking and that's what I did - I walked along the shore for over an hour, just breathing in the salty air. The beach soothes my soul every time. I need to remember that and go back as often as possible.

Ok, now back to Saturday. After getting home I plunged into the closet in my spare room. It had been a storage haven for me since 2006 so the crap was stacked up as high as my head. Yeah, I know, that's awful. Whatever.

But the good thing about finally clearing out my little hoarder stash is that I sometimes stumble across treasure. This is a diary that I received as a Christmas present from Taz during our first year of dating way back in the 1800s...I mean 80s. I only made a few entries but they were so lovely to read. I was head over heels in love at that point in my life. He was my first love, my first lover, the first (and only) person that ever made me feel completely safe and seen and heard and I wrote all of that down that year. 

I know what it's like to love someone for a long time but I had kinda forgotten exactly how magical it feels to be *falling* in love. It makes me smile to remember what it felt like back at the beginning. That little girl had no idea what the next 30+ years of her life would be like but she knew she had finally found the love she'd been searching for.

Interestingly enough I also talked about how scary it is to open yourself up to another human, to let them know every part of your soul - the very same things I am scared about now. I guess I am coming full circle and I hope I'll get to experience all the wonder of falling in love again.

Cleaning out my room is just hard work but cleaning out Taz's old office and our garage is hard work plus so many emotions. I worked on those spaces on Sunday and besides the physical pain (I think I overdid it with my arm) there are so many emotions that I have to take breaks just to cry and grieve. It makes the work go pretty slow but I am making some progress.

I keep running across his things and I am so conflicted on what to do with all of them. Even things like these records which have been sitting in the garage for over a decade so obviously they weren't that important to him...but they were important enough for him to keep them so how could I just throw them out but do I really want to cart them around with me for the rest of my life? Every single thing, even the big box of orphaned electrical cords, causes this internal argument. 

Luckily I posted a picture of the records on Instagram and a dear friend wants to give them a new home because she has a collection of 45s. I can let them go easier if I know who they are going to and that they will be appreciated.

And then there's that shoe. Remember that shoe from all my hurricane preparations? I can't bring myself to throw it out so it will probably live in the garage forever. I can't help but wonder where its mate is, I still haven't run across it. It must be in the garage somewhere, those were his mowing the lawn shoes.

The good news is that I got the garage ready for next Saturday when I have hired a handyman to come and move boxes for me. He'll move the boxes already in the garage into a corner to free up room for more boxes that will be coming from the house. I have packed a few but I will spend this week packing more so that the handyman can move as much as possible. I have to get 3 rooms in the house completely empty because there will be big changes coming in 2020. I can't talk about them yet but I'm mostly looking forward to them...except for the parts that I'm dreading. LOL

Life can't stay the same, I wouldn't even want it to stay the way it is now. This limbo existence is not for me and I am more than ready to dive headlong into my new life even if the idea scares the shit out of me.

I saw this at a bookstore over the weekend and had to take a picture. I hope my new life includes travel and lots of it.

And if travel isn't in my future - here's Plan B!