weird

There is nothing more soul destroying than having an 8 year old tell you you're weird...over and over and over again.

She's not trying to insult me, she actually likes me, but apparently I'm very weird in her eyes.

Normally I don't think this would bother me, I've never really wanted to be normal; I've always thought of myself as quirky. And yet, right now I'm worried that nobody is ever going to appreciate my quirkiness again and so being told I'm weird is shooting arrows right into my raw heart and it hurts.

I used to feel this way in my 20s and then, miracle of miracles, I found somebody who enjoyed my weird and I didn't worry about it for over 3 decades. I stupidly thought I'd never have to worry about it again. I forgot how it felt to be rejected for who you are.

And yet here I am, feeling vulnerable all over again only now it's worse because I'm in that time of life that renders a woman pretty invisible.

And I'm not even sure I have friends that appreciate my special brand of quirky. More and more I believe they only really appreciate the fact that I have a drivers license and my own car and plenty of free time. It's not like anybody is clamoring to spend time with me just for the pleasure of my company and my sparkling wit. No, people spend an evening with me and then run away, never to be heard from again.

So, I'm too weird.

I know I'm not your typical woman. I don't nag, I'm not high maintenance, I don't get impressed by fancy cars or big houses or expensive restaurants, I'm not all that fond of diamonds - I'd rather wear pearls, I cringe at the word bling, I hate high heels, I love clothes but can't stand trendy. I'd rather watch a documentary on archaeology than an episode of Real Housewives, in fact I'll never watch Real Housewives or any of those stupid "reality" type shows. It actually makes me feel sad that there are people like that out in the world. I love history and feel more comfortable learning about the past than I do in the present. I feel prettier than I ever have in my life but I'm not actually pretty. I'm thinner than I've been in my adult life but I'm definitely not thin. I guess that's a turn off. Whatever. I'm shy and awkward at times. I am goofy and when I get really happy my eyes sparkle and I can't help but do a little dance of joy but the only person that ever saw that was Taz. He thought it was cute. I haven't danced for joy in a long time and there's no sparkle these days. I would rather go to Africa or hiking in the mountains than a fancy resort. I abhor going clubbing or loud parties, I'd rather find a quiet beach and play in the waves or spend a cozy evening curled up on the couch with a good book. And my idea of a perfect day would be being tucked away in a quiet corner of a library surrounded by research books...or just hanging out in Big Sur with the redwoods. Yeah, I can see how none of that would be enticing to the average male.

But I'm not going to change. I simply wouldn't be happy trying to be what the world thinks of as normal. I'm not going to twist myself inside and out just to attract someone. I'm certainly open to learning new things and trying new adventures but if someone doesn't basically like me for who I am right now and want to spend time getting to know me, then fuck them. Which probably isn't the best choice of words because I certainly won't be...but then they wouldn't want to so it's not like I'm making the choice...oh dear, my head hurts now. I'm going to change the subject.

So maybe I'll find someone someday who appreciates my weird. I did once, he loved my quirkiness and I never felt I had to be any different than exactly who I am. I never really realized what a miracle that was.

Or maybe I'll be weird and alone. Who knows. If that's the case then I'll learn to live with it and be happy. Because what's the point of going through life if you're not happy?

At least I've got Charlie. She loves all the weirdness in me and asks for more.