trapped

You know the phrase 'I cried myself to sleep?'

I don't know about anybody else but I find that when I cry in bed, as I did last night, my nasal passages swell up and I can't breathe and then it's impossible to sleep without being able to breathe so I have to spend a lot of time not crying in order for everything to go back to normal, which makes me cry even harder and then I get mad at myself for starting the whole process over again.

Needless to say, it was not my best night ever.

It started out ok. Charlie, I thought, was doing quite well with one of the cats that now lives at our house. She even kissed the cat and there was no bad reaction although you could tell the cat didn't love it...yet.

Then my friends and I went out to yet another cat trivia night, this time at a downtown Orlando location. We ended up winning 2nd prize which surprised us as we felt we hadn't done all that well. The area where the cat cafe is located is not the best, kinda creepy, and I doubt we'll ever go back there but we had a fun-ish time.

But then we came home and I've got to admit that going out 3 nights in a row after a rather stressful weekend has taken a toll on me so I'm beyond exhausted, tired of picking my way through a minefield of crap and feeling out of step with my world. I feel like I'm trapped in this alternate universe that kind of looks like my life but everything is just wrong.

Right now I wonder why I fought so hard to hold on to everything and I miss my old 2018 life so badly that I can barely hold it together. I should probably hold my Fuck Off cup in front of me like a shield.

When we lived in Virginia and I would feel trapped in my life I would say that I wanted to get in the car, turn up the radio really loud and just head west. Then we moved west and lived right on the coast so I used to joke that if I tried heading west I'd run into the ocean in 5 minutes.

Well I'm back in the east now and I'm so tempted to load up Charlie in the car, point it in the direction of the sunset and just keep going.

I don't get this way very often but today I'm just done - with everything and everybody.