adrift

Well, I survived the first weekend!

Today is my second day back at work. I'm learning a new morning routine which makes things a little challenging. Because I go into work very early (in order to be out in time to pick the kids up from school which I now have to do 2-3 days a week because their parents won't be able to) I have to get ready very quietly so that I don't wake everybody else up, especially B because he works nights. I can be quiet but Charlie tends to bark with excitement when she knows we're almost ready to go to work so I've taken to putting her in the car right after our morning walk and then going back in the house to pack up my lunch and head out the door. I feel bad about this but it can't be helped. Right now the whole morning feels weird and I miss enjoying a cup of cocoa while watching the morning news but I'm sure I'll get used to it eventually.

I think my plan is to keep busy, have plenty of things to do outside of the house while we work through the initial days of this new arrangement and I definitely did that this past weekend. Sunday morning I was out of the house bright and early to take Charlie to her grooming appointment. Well, not a real grooming, she was only getting her nails trimmed but they really needed it. It was cute that they put her name out on the board in front of the store. Of course I pointed it out to her and made her stand in front of the sign for a picture. I'm that kind of a dog mom. We were in and out of that appointment in less than 5 minutes.

Then I was off for a swim with one of my dearest friends. She and her husband live in Ontario, Canada most of the year but they've been coming down to Florida for the winter for over 20 years. It's just an amazing coincidence that we all ended up in the very same town but it's been pretty awesome for almost all of those 20 years to know that we'd have a chance to see each other at least once or twice a year and ever since I moved to Florida it's been a whole lot more than that. I sometimes felt guilty about spending weekend time with her which took away from time with Taz but he always encouraged me to go and when I started working part-time, so that I could swim on weekday afternoons, I made it a weekly event, sometimes even twice a week. He was happy that I had a friend to hang out with in Florida and I was happy that I could still have my weekends with him.

I don't know what I would have done without her last winter. Weekends were so hard for me, all those endless empty hours stretching in front of me, full of grief and pain and wretched loneliness but knowing that I could run down the road just a few miles and go swim with my friend was so helpful. We have always been close but we became heart sisters last year.

Sunday was our first swimming outing since she got back in town, one of many over the next two months. 

It was so lovely to relax and do something completely normal. For a few hours I was able to forget the chaos back at my house and that everything in my life has changed once again. We went out for lunch after our swim and that was a lovely treat from my friends. I don't get out to eat very often and I love it so. I especially love restaurants like Olive Garden where I know the portions are big so I can take half of my entree home and have it later in the week for dinner when grocery funds will be running low before payday.

Back at home I was by myself (with the adorable Charlie) for a little while but then I was called back into action to help with the move. My car was needed to help transport stuff and kids. I think that was the last load and now everything is at our house. 

I honestly don't know where everything is going to go, the garage is full of furniture, the living room is full of boxes, there is just a tiny path from the front door into the kitchen. I have no room for anything because my storage is now limited to my bedroom and that is already bursting at the seams. I'm feeling a wee bit overwhelmed by it all but, hopefully, within a month or two the boxes will have cleared and there will be a path through the garage so that I can start to donate some of my own furniture and make even more space out there. I might as well start getting rid of things, I have a feeling I'm going to eventually need to be a bit of a rolling stone, able to move freely through life without being held down by possessions and memories.

I think I'm feeling adrift right now. I was just getting used to my solitary life (not that I always liked it) and now I don't recognize my life. I don't even know who I am right now.

Wow, I guess that's why I write because I wasn't intending to say that when I started this post. I didn't even know I felt that way. Right now I'm not even letting myself think too much. I know I enjoy my time with the kids, that's when life feels...not normal but happy. But I also miss my routine of coming home after work, which is stressful these days, and just being quiet. There is no quiet with 3 kids even though they're delightful. They always want to be doing something, eating something, talking about something.

And I know it's just as hard for my friends. They had their own home for many years and now they don't. As much as I keep saying it's our house now, I wonder if they'll ever feel that way or will they spend the next year (or more) feeling like they're camping out. I can only imagine how weird they feel right now. We've all lost parts of our lives with this move. I hope I can help them, it's what I'm trying to do by changing my routines to accommodate their lives and also by staying away as much as possible so that they can enjoy time in the house with just their little family.

I had chorus rehearsal last night and it was a potluck (I had stayed up late making a casserole after helping with moving on Sunday night) and I found myself quite happy to walk out the door with my dinner in hand and go do something normal. I have a feeling I'm going to be keeping myself a lot busier from now on and it's definitely time to figure out how to start dating so that I almost always have something to do for right now. You know what my dream is? To meet someone who loves to travel so that I could get away from real life from time to time. Yeah, probably not going to happen but a girl can dream, can't she?

To end on a happy note (because I really don't like being negative) I was taking selfies with Charlie on Friday while I was waiting to pick the kids up from school and when I looked at the one above I realized it looked remarkably similar to a selfie Taz took with Shifu so I put them together. I think I'll get it printed out so I can frame it and put it up in the bedroom. Shifu and Charlie never knew each other but they look very alike and I always thought they would have been such buddies. I miss those 2 guys over there on the left, so much. Oh crap, and now I'm crying. I didn't do that at all over the weekend but I seem to be making up for it yesterday and today. Well, I guess I'm not ending on such a happy note after all but this picture really does make me happy. My little family.