out of control

This has been a really long week, I'm so happy it's Friday and yet, the weekend isn't really anything to look forward to. I'm feeling exhausted and lonely and defeated today.

First of all, what's wrong with me? Something must be because I meet people, think we've gotten along really well and then they just disappear on me. Am I doing something wrong? Am I just basically unlovable? It's becoming a pattern and it's really starting to eat away at my self-esteem. After 30+ years of thinking that I was a pretty awesome person it appears that I'm the only one that thinks that because nobody wants to spend any time with me. It kinda hurts my feelings.

Second, I'm starting to wonder just why I'm holding on so hard to my house. I hate feeling like an intruder in my own house. I can't get used to watching endless You Tube videos of some dude playing video games. I miss my quiet evenings. I think it'll get better when it's warmer and I can just go swim (not that I'll be doing that on my own) but right now I just feel trapped.

I find myself escaping to my room earlier and earlier but then I feel like I'm being rude and anti-social. I keep telling myself it's early days and things will settle down but what will they settle into? When everything is said and done, will anything of me be left?

Saturday and Sunday are coming up and I feel like I need to have an escape plan. I need to be in a place where I can hear myself think. I thought last year was bad, I'm beginning to think this year is going to be even worse. And I really hate thinking that way, I'm trying so hard not to be negative. I'm usually a go with the flow kind of person but right now the rebel inside of me is pitching a fit. I'm tired of going with the flow because it feels more like I'm being buffeted about by the storm. 

That's it - I feel out of control. But I've felt out of control for  a decade now. Our lives were so out of our control with all the unemployment and I never felt like this. I was always able to make peaceful happy moments for us. I don't like feeling this way. 

I need to take control but my options appear to be limited right now so I can't make my life be what I want it to be. I guess I'm going to have to do the best I can with the little I've got to work with.

I know one thing, I'm not going to stay home tonight. It may be running away but that's what I'm going to do because I'm going to explode if I don't.

Wednesday night I escaped to the local sushi restaurant. Taz and I used to go there all the time when we first owned the house. Back then it was called Take Sushi (tah-kay) and we used to call it Tacky Sushi. They had a roll called the Kendo roll that was a total TBO (taste bud orgasm) but it must have belonged to the sushi guy because when he left he took the roll with him. After that they had a couple other owners and the quality went downhill until we just stopped going. On Wednesday I gave it another try and I was pleasantly surprised that I enjoyed it so much. I ordered Taz's favorite - the spider roll which is deep fried softshell crab. It was perfectly done and delicious and the restaurant was quiet which was exactly what I needed. I think I'm going to make it my regular escape. If I only order 1 roll it isn't too expensive.

I know I'm going to look back on this blog post and regret all this whining but I'm just trying to document everything from this time. Maybe tomorrow I'll have a different perspective and things won't feel so bleak; I truly hope so because this right now just sucks.

Tonight I think I'll go to Disney Springs and walk around. I usually avoid it on a Friday or Saturday night because it's busy and it can be kind of depressing to see everybody out on a date when I'm by myself. There's also the factor that being depressed makes me want to buy things and I can't afford things right now and if I buy something, even something small, it will make it harder to pay my mortgage which will make me even more depressed.

All I really want is someone to go out to dinner with, someone to talk to, someone to laugh with and maybe other things occasionally. I don't want a 24/7 relationship, I'm not trying to tie anyone down to a commitment, I just want a friend. Is that too much to ask?

Actually, it is too much to ask so I guess I'll go to a movie instead. There are a couple of new ones out that look interesting and I've got 2 theaters to choose from that will also feed me.

Right now my life feels a little like an out of control roller coaster but, come to think of it, I really love roller coasters so maybe I'll just embrace the wild and hold on for the ride.

I'm feeling better already...I'm still pissed about people disappearing on me though. They don't know what they're missing; I'm freakin' delightful.