check in sometimes

"If I'd known you were going to be alone on Christmas, I would have come to see you."

Those were the words recently spoken to me by a much loved relative. Because I love her so much and I knew she meant well, I refrained from screaming "if you had checked in on me any time during the month of December you would have KNOWN I was going to be alone and I REALLY needed you."

Instead I just smiled and changed the subject.

Let me tell you about my December.

Initially, right after Mr. T died in November I did tell my family I wasn't up for a BIG family Christmas and I had a friend who was making plans to fly down from North Carolina and spend the holiday with me.

Then 2 weeks after Mr. T died I got a call from my 96 year old mother's assisted living facility that she seemed to be suffering from hallucinations.

What The actual F?

I didn't have the physical or emotional capacity to deal with this. My mother is fairly manipulative and she hadn't been getting her way with me lately (because I didn't have the physical or emotional capacity to deal with her) so I suspected this was another one of her plots to get me to do what she wanted.

She was admitted to the hospital and I spent most of the first 2 weeks of December visiting her where I quickly figured out that she wasn't faking but there was still a manipulative aspect to it. It's hard to explain but she was suffering from paranoid delusions and hallucinations although they never really figured out why.

Eventually she was admitted to a locked down unit and that's where I ended up spending Christmas. It was the shittiest Christmas ever, I have no words to explain how hard it was and how very all alone I felt. I actually don't know how I got through it.

Not once in all that time did my family call to check on me or to find out how their grandmother was doing - I was on my own. 

In addition, the friend who was going to spend the holiday with me started ghosting me which, based on past experiences with her, made me realize she wasn't going to be there for me on Christmas after all. I didn't hear from her again until several days AFTER Christmas.

I will add that one friend did indeed invite me up for Christmas but she lives 3 hours away and I needed to be here for my mother, dang it.

Look, no one did any of this on purpose to hurt me. Everybody had their own lives and their own problems and it's a very busy time of year. I totally get that but I guess what I want to let people know is that your grieving friend or family member is going through the worst time of their lives and they are blinded by grief and pain and fear...big time fear.

Please don't make them reach out to you if they need something. They already feel more needy than they've ever felt in their lives and if they're anything like me, they don't want to bother you so they will keep stumbling through the chaos of their lives until they decide they just can't do it anymore.

They are so vulnerable, they might make stupid decisions.

Please reach out and check in. PLEASE! You will never know how much that would mean to them. And don't take no for an answer. 

Don't ask them what you can do. Make suggestions and keep making suggestions. Or just tell them you're coming over. Or bundle them up and bring them to your house. Or take them out for a meal. 

Don't sit around thinking "no news is good news" and just assume that if you don't hear from them that everything is fine. I know it's a lot of work and it takes you out of your comfort zone. I know it's so much to ask but if you don't...

You may never hear from them again.