only the lonely

Several years ago, after my father died, my mother was on the phone with me while Mr. T was away on a business trip and she was sympathizing with me about how lonely it must be.

I came back with something about how I was never lonely. And it was true. I prided myself on being Miss Independent. I flew across the country by myself, went on research trips throughout the Midwest by myself, went to movies and restaurants by myself. I was too busy living my life, dreaming my own dreams, pursuing my passions to be lonely just because I didn't have a man at my side all the time.

What an arrogant, judgemental little twit I was. 

What I didn't get until just now was that I could afford to be independent because I knew there was a man who was always there for me even if he was far away. He never let a day go by, no matter where he was in the world, without talking to me at least once and often several times. We Skyped together from all over the world. He loved that I had my own interests and fully supported them but he was always, always, always there for me and knowing that was everything to me so how could I be lonely?

But what my mother knew was that when that ends, when there is no longer somebody on the other end of the phone, it's so lonely. I can't even describe how it feels to know you're all alone. Even if you have friends that love you, it's not the same. They have their own lives and their own families and you no longer do and the last thing you want to do is become the person that's always there, that doesn't recognize boundaries.

Loneliness is a monster. You don't even realize it's there until it's surrounding you, crushing the life out of you until you can't breathe. If I don't make it through this, loneliness will be the reason why.

I can also see now why loneliness can lead you to make spectacularly stupid choices. I've been slightly stupid in my life (I'm not a blonde for nothing) but I'd prefer to never be spectacular at it.

I honestly don't know what to do about loneliness. I feel like I'm doing all the right things - getting out, trying new experiences, trying to meet new people, doing things on my own, etc. but loneliness keeps sneaking in and smothering me. Interestingly, it usually hits me right after I've been out doing something. I feel less lonely sitting on the couch watching endless hours of mindless TV but I know that's not what I should be doing and isn't healthy for me.

I guess I just need to keep going, be a moving target and continue to believe that it will get better.

It will, right?