out of the cocoon

This is kind of a hard post to write, mostly because, although I'm sure of how I feel, I worry that I might be jumping to conclusions but deep down I really don't think so. I've noticed that since I became a widow, there's been some disturbing things going on in the world of men. 

Case in point - my neighbor, who is probably a very nice guy but he's very loud and I'm very quiet and I've never felt entirely comfortable with him, has paid more attention to me. He's gone out of his way to stop and talk when we're both outside and one evening he came over to the house to let me know he was on his own and that if I ever needed to talk I could come on over or we could go out for drinks or dinner or whatever. Then, and this was where it crossed the line for me, he said that since we were neighbors we should be friends and said "give me a kiss" and leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.

Probably all very innocent but it bothered me...a lot. Since that time it makes me uncomfortable in my own neighborhood, a place that has always been my own personal haven.

And here's an even worse example - there's this guy that I've known for a couple of years but we've had very limited contact. We were both at a recent meeting and ended up sitting next to each other. Whenever he was talking directly to me, he would touch me on the leg or the arm. Now, since I don't know him very well maybe he's just a tactile guy and this is done to emphasize whatever he's saying but it wasn't just a tap on the leg or arm. He would run his hand up and down my thigh or upper arm. He did this at least 4 times on my leg and twice on my arm and we weren't talking all that much.

I might be making way too much out of this but it doesn't feel innocent to me, it feels like a violation. I saw this person again a couple of weeks later, in another meeting, and he found a way to touch me on the arm and shoulder a couple of times and we weren't even talking. Obviously I will go out of my way to avoid him from now on. Even if he doesn't mean anything by it, it feels wrong to me.

But that's not to say that all touch is bad - there's a guy in my office who has always been a friendly sort and comes to my office to talk. After Mr. T's death he has started hugging me every time we see each other. That's all, just a hug. It feels perfectly natural and normal to me and I appreciate his little gesture of comfort.  I know that he would feel uncomfortable talking about my situation but I think this is his way of letting me know he's there for me.

The hugs of friends are always welcome. It's something I miss in my everyday life, being hugged and touched on a daily basis. You don't realize how much you crave touch until it's taken away.

And something really special - I love it when the children of my friends greet me with a big spontaneous hug. It's the purest expression of love and friendship and it's very sweet and very much appreciated. I would never want a child to be prompted to hug me but it's lovely when they do it because they want to.

I know that there will be all sorts of experiences out there for me that wouldn't happen if I weren't widowed and I'm apprehensive about navigating all of that. I lived in a safe and happy cocoon for almost all of my adult life so I'm one scared little butterfly. I'm happy to have the love and support of my friends while I figure all of this out.