grief

I've had a lot of people try to explain grief to me lately.

I post a lot on Facebook about my little daily doings and I've especially been posting when I'm extra sad or things just don't make sense anymore. I always get comments about how this is just part of grief, how it's different for everyone, how I'm doing great, etc. It's sweet that people want to be supportive but sometimes I feel like I'm being schooled on "how to do grief." And it usually comes from people who have way less experience with grief than I do.

As if they know exactly how I'm feeling because they lost their grandmother, second cousin, neighbor down the street.

I'm no stranger to the grief business. I've lost a parent, both my in-laws, my beloved sister and numerous pets who were my babies.

And don't even try to tell me that losing a pet isn't real grief. You try losing your almost 16 year old fur son who has been there for you every day. It was, up till now, the darkest period of my life.

So I've got experience in grief, I know the stages, I know that it can be quiet for a while and then hit you like a tidal wave. And I especially know that the grief of losing a spouse is unlike any grief I've experienced before. Not only have I lost my best friend but I've lost 90% of the household income so my whole life has exploded into something I don't recognize and my future is terrifying and murky.

But one piece of advice recently shook me up a little. Someone said that one day I would be able to laugh again and would feel the sunshine on my face.

I must be doing this grief thing all wrong because I'm already laughing and I can and do appreciate all the sunshine I can get.

I think my brother in law (who lost his wife - my sister - just 3 months before Mr. T died) said it best when he said that it's not really a matter of good days and bad days. Each day has good and bad in it.

Maybe I'm just built different but I refuse to sit in the house with the lights off, no makeup, still in my pjs and stop living. I can't imagine a life without laughter so it's been a daily part of my life through this whole experience. Heck, I talk to Mr. T on a daily basis and share the laughs with him.

I'm pretty sure I go through all five stages of grief every single day but that doesn't mean that I don't also sing and dance and laugh and enjoy living on God's time.

For whatever reason, my path in life is now on my own and that sucks but I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that all Mr. T ever wanted in life was for me to be happy. He told me that over and over again. How could I possibly do my best to honor him but seek happiness?

So bring on the laughter and I'll take all the sunshine on my face that I can get right now. I'm doing this for both of us now and I intend to do it right.