hard

And here's where I'm going to confuse everyone and basically contradict what I wrote last time.

Because this is HARD.

It's f-ing hard.

And what nobody knows is that every time I get home from being out doing something fun, I cry.

Not because I didn't have a good time, because I did. 

Not because I wasn't happy doing whatever I was doing, because I was.

Not because I'm not strong, because apparently I am.

But because every happy thing I do just reminds me that I didn't get to share it with the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

Every outing with friends ends with me going home to an empty house (except for Charlie) and them going home with their spouse and children. 

So I'm learning that happiness and strength come at a price.

And I'll keep going and I'll keep trying new things and I'll keep smiling and laughing but don't be fooled into thinking I've got this all figured out. 

I'm pretty sure I haven't.