please listen to me

I've noticed that people tend to fall into one of two categories around me.

Either they avoid any mention of Mr. T altogether or they do ask me questions about him or how I'm doing but the minute I start to cry or show emotion they kind of freak out. They apologize all over themselves for "having made you sad" and then they quickly change the subject and never mention him again. It is clear that my emotion has made them extremely uncomfortable.

So listen up because I've got some stuff to say about that. And it's stuff I wouldn't have necessarily known before all this happened so it's normal to make this mistake but if I don't tell you, who will?

My husband died just 3 months ago. He was my best friend and the person I talked to about everything for over 3 decades. Of course your question didn't make me sad - I'm already sad. It's not like I was going along not thinking about him and you reminded me. I think about him from the time I get up until I finally force myself to sleep.

But nobody will let me talk about him so of course I'm going to become emotional and cry. I haven't been allowed to have any experience talking about him, learning to keep the emotion at bay. I really think with time and practice I would be able to talk about him or my situation without tears. Maybe I'm wrong about that but how am I ever going to find out?

And maybe I just NEED to cry. Sure, I cry at home when I'm by myself but I imagine there's something healing about being able to cry with a friend. Or maybe there's a situation that I really need help with but nobody will ever know if they don't let me talk about it. Or I won't even know I need help if I don't have the opportunity to pour out my heart to someone. Sometimes the more you talk about something, the more you understand and maybe a solution can present itself.

There are definitely situations where I just want to have fun and not talking about Mr. T is just fine but it gets uncomfortable when I know that the person I'm with will never be ok with going beyond just the moment we are in.

Luckily every once in a while someone comes along that seems to understand. Usually it's someone that has experienced great loss themselves. Recently I was able to spend time with someone like this. A friend I don't see very often was in town and we went out to eat. First of all, I really miss going out to eat and I was thrilled that she invited me especially since it was someplace I'd never been before.

We've known each other for a few years and spent time together as two couples both in California and Florida but we've never been extremely close friends only because we're both busy people and our time together has been limited. And yet, she made sure to let me know that she really wanted to talk about things that were important to me and she sat there and listened even when the tears started falling. She didn't apologize and change the subject, she listened, asked insightful questions and even came up with a suggestion of how she might help me with a practical problem. I'm probably going to take here up on that one. She thought of it because some caring people did the same thing for her when she suffered a big loss earlier in her life.

After talking about me for a little while, I was more than happy to ask her questions and hear about what's going on in her life. 

Now you may be wondering why I put a picture of a cake on the top of this blog post. My wonderful friend designed this cake to be a tribute to our shared love of California and had it brought to our table for us to enjoy as dessert. I took half of it home and I'm still enjoying it! What a sweet and thoughtful gesture; I'm truly blessed in the friend department.

So bottom line is - if you really want to help your grieving friend, don't shy away from the tears. If they don't want to talk or don't want to cry, they'll change the subject but maybe, just maybe, the best thing you can do for them is stay by their side and listen as they talk and cry and start to heal.