So I sit here, 4 months after this whole nightmare started, and I wonder - what’s the point of all of this? What’s the point of going on?
Don’t get me wrong, I have no intention of harming myself but I seriously wonder what the point of all this is.
My whole life is going to change even though I’ve desperately tried not to think about it. I am never going to make enough money to pay my mortgage so I’m going to lose the only thing that Taz and I had together - our home. I’m either going to lose it because the bank takes it away or I’m going to lose it because I have to sell it.
I won’t be able to rent anything in Orlando because my credit is so screwed up by all the years of Mr. T's unemployment so I’m going to have to leave this area where I’ve built somewhat of a life for myself. I'm going to have to move in with some family member (not that any of them have said they want me) and become the unwanted relative.
My only possibility for keeping the house is to get a roommate which I will do if I have to but I'm such a private person that I hate the thought of losing my privacy and having to learn to live with a stranger in the house. And what if they are horrible and I'm putting my property or my life in danger? I can't even contemplate doing that right now.
Wasn’t it enough that I lost my husband, why do I have to lose everything else too?
What’s the point of all this? Why am I still even here? How am I going to keep living for the next 30-40 years? Why should I?
Mr. T's one big fear, the thing that kept him up at night, was that I would have to struggle financially once he was gone. He was trying so hard to find the “big thing” that would at least allow him to get enough money to pay off the house and even leave me with a little nest egg so that I wouldn’t have to worry about having a roof over my head. He was so afraid that something would happen to him before he could get this done.
His worst fear came true.
Why?
This sucks.
Yes, get a room mate! Maybe a younger female who's in college or something? As a huge introvert and loner myself, I can relate but if it can buy you time while you job hunt or figure something out, I think you should try it. I realize I have no idea as to how much pain and uncertainty you're going through right now but it will get better!!! I know it will! I've been in the depths, with 3 kids, no job, no car...albeit it was due to divorce and not death so again, I'm not comparing, but I know that feeling of complete despair, hopelessness and fear. My ex left me with nothing but over $80,000 worth of tax debt. I made it, God knows how, but I did and you WILL get through this! You're grieving and rightly so. Thinking of you xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteSometimes churches, our church does will find housing for college students or people who have recently relocated to the area. Most are younger and female.
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